Something Achingly Beautiful

Love was never easy
because suffering was
never optional.
But there was something
gorgeous in the act
of arching backs writhing
in anticipation of ripping
hearts from chests,
something achingly beautiful
in the brutality of it all.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

 

No Trespassing

He pitched himself onto me,
inside of me; somehow
his smooth laugh
and the electric blue
of his necktie cut a path
through the underbrush
beneath my skirt,
and I liked the way
his jacket caught the breeze
when he hung it
on your no trespassing sign,
and how he sighed so deeply
when the blues in his pocket
gave way to his shadow,
and wiped me clean again.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Fuck Fear – Jason Kynge

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Fear.

It conjures many images in our mind reading it. But I’m not talking about spiders or my irrational fear of opening a door; afraid someone will burst in at the same time and break my fingers.

I mean those fears that come when we enter a relationship. See I had hit a wall awhile back. Failed relationship after failed relationships. With the exception of one, I’ve remained friends with them all. I want them to be happy because for a moment we shared time together. But that’s not what this is about.

I came to this place of acceptance. Even put it out publicly that you know, I’m good being single and where I’m at. I’ve learned so many things from these past relationships but for the moment I’m standing still. I’m not searching or looking and I’m just going to be content where I am. And I was. Then the universe decided to shake things up. As only it can do. I think it has a twisted sense of humor.

This woman I have known casually started talking more, each time going a little deeper than the last conversation. She mirrored me on so many things. We shared the same viewpoints on life. I would say something and she just understood. She would start talking or telling me something and I would be sitting on the other end of the phone just nodding. This wide eyed look like yes, yes I completely understand and agree. It was amazing. It was fucking brilliant to be understood. Here I am sharing my thoughts with another person that just… gets it. It was freeing. It wasn’t difficult. It just flowed. We were eventually and quickly talking for two, three, even four hours a night. No awkward pauses or silences. We literally talked the entire time.

Brief pause to let you all know I just lit the wrong end of my cigarette. Damn wine eyes.

So anyway, all of this continued to grow. The conversations grew and I was just amazed. I was a firm and outspoken opponent to magic, yet no other word but magic adequately described everything that was taking place. We made plans to see each other. She lives in another country. Or I do. Semantics. So I flew to her. Two connecting flights later and I’m texting her telling her I’m there. I’m about to walk through these doors and my heart is pounding so loud I can’t hear what’s going on around me.

I see her in the flesh for the first time. Leaning against a large round pole in a black dress and a smile that dims the sun. We go on to have the most perfect extended weekend any two people can have. Perhaps I’ll tell you about it at some point. It only solidified how perfectly we fit together. Like two puzzle pieces. A future tattoo by the way.

So I fly back home from this amazing weekend, a perfect weekend. I’m ready to move there and have every day with her and start building our life. A sentiment she shares. It’s in the works. We know this is going to be the hard part. We’ve shared the same space. We’ve cuddled up watched movies together. We’ve eaten and drank and talked together. We’ve fucked until neither of us can walk properly, passion on steroids. It’s all perfect.

Now…. the fears decide to finally show up with an evil grin. You didn’t think it’d be that easy did you? Yes, I kinda did. Men don’t talk about their fears much, at least publicly. We are trained from a young age to push those down. You’re supposed to be strong and a huge part of strength is that stoic poker face. Repress those feelings. But here I was having these things I thought I’d dealt with pop up, her as well. I’ll come back to that but for the moment let’s talk from a guy’s point of view.

My own fears that are mine alone are a fear of rejection. I figure the root of this is that my father was in and out of my life until he was finally so far gone I never heard from him again. I’ve made peace with that but I think it laid a foundation of distrust and fear of not feeling good enough. That eventually everyone goes away. For the most part, everyone has reinforced that feeling up to now. So I’m afraid when I get back I’ll get the message, hey that was great, but…. wait where did that come from? She hasn’t said or done anything to give me this fear. But it’s there. It brought friends.

Most guys won’t tell you this but we worry about the size of our cock. This probably has something to do with society or porn. But I’m thinking of those moments when we are at our third time in a day, I’m dehydrated, a little tired, and I’m pushing rope for a bit. Having that inner dialogue with myself and the man downstairs. Come on man, you can do this, for fuck’s sake I know you get harder than this, work with me. See we worry if you’ll think, well I wish he was bigger or I can’t believe I got undressed for this. Doesn’t matter what he’s packing this thought has crossed his mind, so there’s one of his rejection fears, friends.

Another one that one tagged along goes by the name, ‘image’. I’ve stood in front of a mirror so many times, turning this way and that. I wish I had appreciated how skinny I was in my twenties. Suck in that belly. Oh hey, see if I looked like this all the time I’d be good. Flex a little. Ah, that’s better. Now let the breath you’ve been holding out. Fuck. Is this what I always look like. How is she possibly attracted to me?

She has her own fears too. Let’s be honest, I’ve been open about my relationships and shared them with the world. She knows this.

“I don’t want to be just another story.” She told me this over our weekend and wine. One of her fears. You are my story I said to her. Ours are now entwined together. She worries about her body too. Is her belly too big or her butt or this or that? For the historical record, her body is fucking delicious and I love every curve. But it’s her fear. Is it rational? Not to me. I adore her body. But for her, it’s there. One thing I loved is as the weekend went on she was walking around our apartment completely nude. We showered together. We had sex with her bent over the sink. We both finally let go and walked around with nothing on and never gave it a thought. Doing this made me realize many things.

We all have fears. I have known people completely consumed by them; I have been swallowed by them. I have sabotaged past relationships because of them. I’ve held back in old relationships because of them. I’ve walked away from people because of fears. Their’s or mine. So what is so different this time?

The only honest answer is…. I am. All of these past things gave me the opportunity to face my fears, but I wasn’t ready. But they did teach me lessons. Prepared me until I found that person that was my reflection, that understood me that I understood on another level beyond logic. But something happened for us both. When these fears came knocking, we were finally at a place that we wanted to face them. We honestly weren’t expecting them. I mean all of this is perfect why would we fear? But I think that’s why. We had finally come to that place and found something we didn’t want fear to taint. We’d learned our lessons. Now it was time to apply them.

I think this was a massive part of it. The universe or fate saying you’ve been put in all these situations and boast that you’ve learned from them, let’s put that to the test. And it is a test. It’s one of the most difficult things to know where you belong but not be able to be there when you want. Fear is doing a square dance grin at it though because it has time to try and work on you.

But one of the most fundamental differences I’ve noticed this time…. is that I no longer want to entertain these fears. I don’t need them anymore. I don’t need them. And one of the biggest reasons why is that she creates this space for me to express my fears. I do the same for her. We know life isn’t some lollipop rainbow once you meet your puzzle piece. No that’s when the real work starts. That’s when you put to action all your big talk.

But you both have the desire to want to move to that next level, to put the effort in. To say, “yes baby I know it’s tough, but I’ve got you.” This is the reason I’ve had to reevaluate my entire thinking on magic because that’s what it is.

We are two people who know life is crazy. That life is brief. That our time is passing quickly and we should be loving as fiercely as we can. That no, tomorrow isn’t promised but I want today and tomorrow and the next day with you. I want every day. That yes, fears are going to come. But I’m ready to face them and crush them because I won’t let anything possibly have a negative impact on us. That it won’t always be easy but you’re worth it…. we are worth it. I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I was a great cynic before we met. I never believed in magic or fate, until I met her that is. She rearranged my stars. Showed me what could be. Showed me what giving yourself completely actually meant. Yes, our fears are real, even if we imagine them, but now I know fairy tales are also real. And it’s a much better story than fear could ever write.

The Red Queen

For Shawna, may your scarlet crown always blind the fools; never forget who you are and what you deserve.

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The Red Queen

She has stood before the greatest men
and they have knelt within her fires.
She forged herself a scarlet crown
from each of their desires.
She never kept them kneeling,
always thanked them for their time.
She graced them with a sweet goodbye
and gifted them a smile.
Lesser men have tried to take her crown away,
using any trick they had to try and make her stay.
But once a queen has found her crown,
a King is who she seeks.
One of grit and strength and honour
because a Queen is what he needs.
So let this be a lesson to any fool who tries,
the crown atop the Red Queen’s head
is there until she dies.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Stoke Your Fire, Darlings

There are people walking
this world with empty hearts
and poisoned souls, and they
will never be happy unless
they watch the world burn.
Stoke your fire darlings.
Burn hot, burn bright,
burn love, and leave them
choking on your smoke and
their own twisted thoughts.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

I am Nothing – S.L. Heaton

“Is this your better half?”

“No, not really.”

In a moment I was reduced to nothing. I turned my face so you couldn’t see the torment because I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings. The sting of nothingness was strong because I always thought I was at least something to you.

You were my life, my breath, my best friend, and I hoped beyond measure that somehow we could make it work, against all odds and the cruelty of timing.

You kissed me goodbye in a way that you haven’t for sometime with the sting of rejection burning my lips. I felt a familiar lump form in my throat and I had to push you away.

“Really?”

I could not bare to let you see I was dying inside and I wasn’t about to break down in front of you. I was choking on I love you, please stay, and every other word I could not say.

Now I sit in a house laden with memories, trying to find peace in the quiet but this silence is unnerving and I find myself wondering why I think it would be better to be your nothing than to be here alone.

shawna1

Shawna Heaton, aka Priss, is just a girl with some words. Words that spent entirely too long locked up inside. She’s a mom…grandma…aspiring writer…gym junkie…and all around smart ass. She’s on a journey…she doesn’t know where to but she intends to enjoy the ride.

Follow her extraordinary journey at S.L. Heaton

Becoming

It’s an awesome thing, the becoming
of you, and you are bound
to make them uncomfortable; leave them
to their discomfort, for you,
oh you, blossom beautifully
within their fires.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Blue Is The Coldest Colour

He is meek within the cracks
of crystalline eyes,
dodging illusions of affection
and the silver strands
of an icy winter web.
Jumping
from star crossing
to star crossing,
searching
for the place where
he once danced,
carefree and cradled,
in the clean warmth
of her azure love.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed

I am super stoked to be on the amazing Sudden Denouement today. I dig this poem.

Source: Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed-Nicole Lyons/The Lithium Chronicles

Love Notes From Humanity

I am so pleased, and very honoured, to be included in Feminine Collective’s newest treasure alongside these amazing writers.

“Curated with love by Feminine Collective, many from this collection have been published on the site since its beginning. Others you will read are new pieces that were written just for this collection.

The writers of these poems are award-winning Authors, Journalists, Bloggers and Activists, while others are previously unknown artists. The voices of the forty-four contributors are diverse. The poems are a collective made from a global community. The authors are from Australia, Canada, Central America, The United Kingdom, The United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, South Africa and The United States.” – SA Smith

From now until March 4, 2017 Feminine Collective will donate 15% of all proceeds of the sale of this book to lifeafterproject.org to aid in their efforts to provide suicide prevention and awareness. If you can’t purchase a copy, please spread the love by sharing this post, this organization does really great things for the mental health community, and i stand with them.

Right now the book is available on Kindle but a print edition will be available and when I know when that is, I’ll do an update. Purchase your copy of Love Notes From Humanity right here, and thank you for supporting an amazing cause while helping support these writers and this collective.