Love Notes From Humanity

I am so pleased, and very honoured, to be included in Feminine Collective’s newest treasure alongside these amazing writers.

“Curated with love by Feminine Collective, many from this collection have been published on the site since its beginning. Others you will read are new pieces that were written just for this collection.

The writers of these poems are award-winning Authors, Journalists, Bloggers and Activists, while others are previously unknown artists. The voices of the forty-four contributors are diverse. The poems are a collective made from a global community. The authors are from Australia, Canada, Central America, The United Kingdom, The United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, South Africa and The United States.” – SA Smith

From now until March 4, 2017 Feminine Collective will donate 15% of all proceeds of the sale of this book to lifeafterproject.org to aid in their efforts to provide suicide prevention and awareness. If you can’t purchase a copy, please spread the love by sharing this post, this organization does really great things for the mental health community, and i stand with them.

Right now the book is available on Kindle but a print edition will be available and when I know when that is, I’ll do an update. Purchase your copy of Love Notes From Humanity right here, and thank you for supporting an amazing cause while helping support these writers and this collective.

I Love Your Colours

Some of my strongest bonds have been forged with people who have cracked the foundation of my comfort zone. We rarely agree on things like politics and protests, but we do agree that words hold power and art saves lives. We all view life differently; through eyes coloured by our own circumstances, whether those be selfish or selfless. Perhaps our sense of morality or duty dictates how we live our lives. For some of us, a deep spiritual awareness is the center of our world while logic and reason rule for others, and who are we to judge one another for how we view the world? You see, my shades of grey look nothing like theirs and for that I am grateful, because they have painted my world beautiful with all of their brilliant colours. And had they all lived in this world looking through eyes exactly like mine my foundation would still be solid, but I wouldn’t.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Winds of Change

 

peace

 

 

I have nurtured

the seeds

of resistance

planted in my bones

long ago.

Roots grown

swift and mighty,

a solid foundation

of iron

stands me firm

and holds me true.

Vines

of resilience

climb the length

of my spine-straight.

Blooming

down arms

of hope and

hands of peace,

raised in wait,

to embrace

a revolution.

Change

rides the back

of howling winds,

and if seeds

of hatred

are all you have

sowed,

the tempest will

eat you alive.

 

wind

Over The Edge – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

 

Do you know you’re dying…. literally at this moment as you sit there and read this….you are closer to death….tick tick tick….this is an idea…. a thought….that I am obsessed with….because my time here is temporary….one day….just a blink….I will be dust….nothing more than a memory….it used to terrify the fuck out of me….now I embrace it….it shapes my life….how I respond to it….I have gone on about it more than once….during your commute tomorrow….you may be involved in an accident….maybe you’re going to have a heart attack in the next ten minutes….because you didn’t know….there’s a history of it in your family….seems a little morbid doesn’t it….or paranoid…what the fuck is this guys problem….he’s kind of bringing me down….I don’t want to leave my bed now….give me comfort food….but I want you to follow me down this rabbit hole….

This isn’t a new concept….there are monks that spend their time meditating on death….making peace with it….why….because it’s important….

Years ago I would read these books by an author….his name is Don Miguel Ruiz….he wrote time and time again about living in the moment….awareness….I took this all to heart…and applied it….I brought my attention to the very moment I was in….and it was amazing….the sun was brighter….the trees were a deeper green….I watched them sway in the wind….completely present in the moment….it made me realize how special each little thing is….no matter when I get to a certain place….I’m experiencing it in the now….it was a revelation….and for a moment I felt at peace….

It didn’t last….

Why you want to ask….because the world is loud….it eventually would drown out everything else….I couldn’t maintain that….so….I dove into the world….found other ways to drown the noise out….but it had to be louder….and was usually destructive….but it served a purpose….when fires start on the Savannah in Africa….it burns away acre upon acre….completely wipes out anything in its path….this was me….burn it all to the fucking ground….but….from this devastation new life springs forth….everything is made new again….in a way this is a metaphor for my life….how I am….I will set fire to it all….I became a destructive force of nature….nothing was safe….but what would happen….I would grow….fresh….until it was time to destroy what was again….like the Phoenix rising from the ashes each time….

If I’m being honest….there are times I wish I could change my nature….how I do things….I’m an impossibly impulsive creature when I know what I want….damn the consequences….I just jump….without regard if I’ll fly….this has caused me a lot of grief….but I don’t know how not to….is it a choice….yes….everything is….it goes back to my obsession with….this could be my last moment….I have this overwhelming desire to know what life has in store….and I’m willing to burn for it…..

Sometimes I think I’m a walking cliché….self-professed writer that drinks too much….smokes too much….and just….does things….always with good intentions….even when I’ve hurt people….I never mean to….but because I need to know things….and because I’m willing to jump and see what happens….sometimes people get caught in my net….because I need to see what’s there….not unlike a child touching a stove….oh I wonder what this feels like….except it’s usually someone else that gets burned….I mean well….but I forget not everyone is like me….doesn’t love the same….feel the same….where I will cannonball in to something that I feel….others may be gun shy….I can’t hold it against them….they are just being true to their nature….

I had an amazing weekend….for me….it was perfect….spent with someone that walks through my walls as if they weren’t there….I’m still not sure how to feel about that….she sees me….through my bullshit and smoke and mirrors….it’s what I crave and at the same time run from….because she could wreck me….but yet I am willing to throw myself on that grenade….she is scared….of her feelings for me….my nature is to run head first in to oblivion….hers is to run and hide….I can’t hold this against her….we are what we are….maybe she doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I do her and so she’s afraid she will hurt me because of that….perhaps she really does feel what I do….and she’s afraid that maybe she will hurt me because of that….overwhelm me….or that I may do that to her….you have to appreciate that one is willing to burn the forest down while the other is seeking solitude in it….at least I do….

No I don’t jump or strike a match easily….others have wanted me to….but that feeling wasn’t there….pieces didn’t fit….which is when I feel bad for my nature….for a minute….because I don’t want to hurt others….anymore than I want to hurt….but when I have that feeling….that rare….what is this thing….holy fuck I’m in trouble….I will go head first over the edge….why….

Because I’m dying….right now….at this very moment….I just moved closer to my end….so did you….I’m taking you with me….I’ve often thought of changing my nature….trying….but I can’t….I am the animal that I am….once I’ve set my sights on you….I know what I want….perhaps I will die to have to get it….perhaps it will be the end of life as you know it….all I know is I’m willing to find out….how can I not….this….could be the last thing I do.

© Jason King 2016

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

Follow Jason’s journey here on The Lithium Chronicles at The Poets

Flirting With Danger – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

Oh how I want to write something that will uplift the masses….offer encouragement….but I can’t….that’s not where I’m at….where I’m at is flirting with danger….I know this because I’ve been here before….many years ago….I didn’t think I’d be back….but I am….dancing with nostalgia….flirting once again with old demons….my familiar friends….the ones that never leave me….only slumber for a time….my Rip Van Winkles…..seems they’re the only ones that don’t….everyone else always leaves eventually….no this isn’t some woe is me bullshit….it just taste like truth….sometimes I’m the one that makes them run screaming for the hills….the ones I talk to and help would be surprised to know that yes I can push people away….I’m an expert at it….you may not even see it coming….but when that mood finally embraces me….nobody is safe….no….not even you….I will drive you away with pitch forks and fire….maybe I think it’s just being prudent….because they’re going to go anyway….may as well give them a reason….or be the reason….why do I do this….I’ve asked myself many times….I think it’s fear of rejection….you can’t reject me if I’m not there….and if I’m the one pushing….maybe….maybe it won’t hurt as much….

I was shown long ago that people leave….the ones that say they love you the most….are going to hurt you the deepest….so began my pattern….arm’s length was where everyone was kept….don’t come too close….I bite….stay back….I broke my rules last year….and let someone in….and I was happy….my God for the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy….but what happened….they rejected me….or that is how it felt….after I poured my all into it….( that’s a lie)….but I really tried….and it wasn’t enough….but I get it….that story has been told….it really wasn’t as good as my romantic heart wants to paint it….I guess it likes to color it a certain way to give it more meaning….don’t do that….it’s not real….but it gave me an excuse to put walls back up….back to don’t get too close….

I’ve been like that abused dog….I’ll flinch if you try an pet me….probably growl….I have a great growl by the way….it’s sexy I’ve been told….but I will….when deep down I just want to feel your touch….I really do….just hold me….whisper in my ear….tell me I’m a good boy…..a few have tried….but I’ll push them away per my training….then complain about the ones that ghost….

I’m a delicious fucking contradiction….I want what I can’t have and brush over what I can….for all my talks of love I really can be a huge fucking cynic….mainly because I know people….and let’s be honest….a lot of them are selfish assholes….wait….so am I….I don’t believe in karma though….it’s a good thing otherwise we are all screwed…..deep down I still hold on to that idea….that desire….for the one….that’s going to step in and shake the universe….maybe it’s not true….and it’s just a comforting kiss when I’m alone at night….oh I’m alone because I’m still waiting for the one….maybe The One is a bullshit concept….and if I put effort into some of things that have shown up it would be good….in all honesty it probably would….but I still want more….I want that thing they write stories about….again maybe it’s not true….and I’ll become the crazy cat guy….

What if I’ve met her and she’s just too damn stubborn and scared to let me….so she pushes me away….couldn’t really blame her….makes sense the one for me is going to be a pain in the ass like me….dammit….I guess it boils down to that….I’ve seen people settle my whole life….seen nightmares….even done it myself….so I’m willing to risk being alone….because I want magic….I can’t accept anything less….but it’s not easy….it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done….because I want her there beside me….I don’t care about what the scholars and people smarter than me say….I don’t want to be alone….I want my love and to be loved….she’s just taking a really long damn time to get here….seriously woman….can you walk a little faster….because sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to hold out and wait….

I got really low the other night….really fucking drunk….and really low….only one person knows just how much so….I think I was losing my mind….it’s always like to wander off anyway….so what snapped me out of it….hope….our favorite four letter word….that what if tomorrow she stepped into the light….and I wasn’t there to greet her….yes yes I know we don’t need someone to complete us….I don’t ever want to be fucking complete anyway….I’ll always be growing and learning….but goddammit I want someone there while I do….someone I can watch grow the same way….I’m not even sorry about that anymore….so….what must I do….I hold on….and I embrace those days when I don’t want to be light and love….

I embrace my cynicism like I will my lover….because it’s a part of me too….when I finally find her I’ll be that much better for her….so the question….how do I deal between here and there….it’s not easy….and I’m not always going to want to do it….but I’m going to have to feel everything….even the things I don’t want to…..the hurt….the anger….it’s the only way….life isn’t rainbows and daisies all the time….it’s dark and dirty and raw and it hurts like hell sometimes….without it though we aren’t as well rounded….because she’s going to have those kinds of days….how could I ever expect to be there during that….her rock….if I too hadn’t survived….to be able to say….I know where you’re at….and I’m not afraid to join you….because at the end of the day that’s what love is to me….it’s being there….good and bad….real and dirty….life.

© Jason King 2016

 

Jason King

 

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

Follow Jason’s journey here on The Lithium Chronicles at The Poets

Abandoned in Wonderland – Charlene Trolinder

I wasn’t born into normality. My first breath I ever took on this earth came with struggle and strife. I’ve only known the painful roads of life. I guess that’s what contributed to the coldness of my beating heart most of my life. I wasn’t a daydreamer, a wish upon a star type, because I knew just how cruel life could be.

 

Then one day I met someone I saw in a different light. She touched a void in my life, a mother. I began to believe in fairytales. The Emerald city seemed so real and and the wizard was granting my wish. I almost couldn’t believe it after so long of emptiness and hurt, I had fell down the rabbit hole and found my wonderland, and my white queen was someone I could love and call mom. I should have known better. I should have known every star wished upon dies out. Every daydream fades away. Some fairytales don’t have happy endings.

 

As I believed and trusted in her she was out seeking her knight in shining armor. He turned out to be my worse nightmare. I became a passing thought. I was simply pushed aside. Her knight in shining armor became the slayer of my self-worth and dignity. He picked each word with the intent of using them to shatter my soul. Each volley of cruelty he spoke to me scarred my heart more and more. Love had become my death trap. I survived because you see since my first breath of life I have known nothing but to fight and survive.

 

Today I don’t sit here writing this hoping to wish upon a star or dream a dream a little sweeter, I sit here bleeding these words to grow and heal. Today I hope for the heart to know I can be loved, the brains to recognize I am worthy, and the courage to understand that one day the world will embrace me for who I am, the little fighter that forged an undying soul and a big loving heart.

 

FB_IMG_1459230572800

Charlene Trolinder aka Lorna Evol is a small town kid born and raised in Dumas, TX. She fought all her childhood to survive, born with a rare chromosomal disease. She attended West Texas A&M, where she obtained a Bachelor’s in Psychology. It was later in life that she realized she struggled with severe depression and anxiety. Each day is a battle, but she loves the simple things. She is an avid reader and animal lover. She draws her inspiration from her struggles, and she tries to give hope to others through her words.

Follow Lorna’s beautiful words on Evocative Eloquence.

Me and My Dirty Word – S.L. Heaton

I don’t even know why it bothers me…it just does and there’s no rational explanation for it…or at least not one I can come up with that would give any kind of justification to this feeling.

Opened my Facebook and there it was…”in a relationship”…I just sat there and stared at it for the longest time…completely dumbfounded.

Why? I had no rights…no claims to stake…you were never “mine”…and still…it felt like a very hard, stinging slap to the face.

I think somewhere deep down in the very bottom of this ice cold heart there was a feeling…a small glimmer of hope maybe. (I should have known better…my friend Jason King writes about hope being a far dirtier word than fuck…he’s right you know.) A hope that maybe it was going to be you…God how I wanted it to be you.

Well…that’s not going to happen and maybe it never was but at least I had that dirty word in my back pocket to keep my frigid heart hanging on.

Now comes the urge to self-doubt…it’s so strong…the whys begin to needle me and worm their way into my brain. Fuck…this is ridiculousness at its finest.

WHY??? What could have been never was and never will be. I knew it never would be the moment you said the words…I still remember standing in your driveway and hearing them leave your mouth…”I just don’t have time for a relationship right now”…as the lump formed in my throat my mind translated this statement…”YOU are not worth my time.”

Oh my god that hurt…man…the gravity of those 10 words…so heavy and so heartbreaking. I left…with my dirty word in my back pocket…thinking maybe someday.

Well…Mr. “In a relationship” that someday no longer belongs to you…I know you don’t care but it feels good to say it.  It’s like a form of absolution…oh no…not for you…you don’t deserve it…this one is for me. I owe it to myself.

There’s all kinds of quotes out there about “when the time is right”…”there’s someone out there for you”…”someone will love you the way you deserve”…I guess these are intended to make you feel better…I’m not sure about that because I’ve been saying that shit to myself for over three years.

So for now I’m done worrying about it…me and my dirty word will just be over here being all magical and sparkly…doing our own thing…not waiting on anybody.

© S.L. Heaton 2016

 

shawna1

Shawna Heaton, aka Priss, is just a girl with some words. Words that spent entirely too long locked up inside. She’s a mom…grandma…aspiring writer…gym junkie…and all around smart ass. She’s on a journey…she doesn’t know where to but she intends to enjoy the ride.

You can follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram

Stand In The Fire – Jason King

 

Jason's Truth2

 

So as it turns out I’m single again….yes you read that right….I may have broken a new record for myself….only took me less than 48 hours to fuck up what I thought was going to be something great and otherworldly….something that people would tell stories about….apparently I was very mistaken….looks like I’ll be the only one telling the story….

 

so what went wrong….what did I do….I’ll be honest….I haven’t the slightest idea….maybe I was too much of me….maybe not enough….I’m sure I’ll find out when I read about it later on that blog….so now the inevitable….what we all do….we start playing it all back….questioning every little thing….well should I have done this….maybe I should’ve done that….did I say the wrong thing….was it the way I kissed….did they just decide after months that they weren’t attracted to me….fuck maybe I should go on a diet….change my hair….then I’ll be sexier to them….I mean we spoke for hours and hours and they told me how much in love with me they are….that has to be it!….we start dissecting it all….trying to find what it was we did….what changed….why….

 

I have saved things from two people….when I’m feeling like its a good idea to beat myself up a bit or I’ve drank a little too much….I’ll look at them….at things that were said….so many wonderful words….I’ve been told you are my king and I’m your queen….I know what a gift your heart is and I promise to always cherish it and guard it….more recently….I know how much she hurt you….I made a vow when you told me that I’d never do that to you….never take you for granted….I know what it’s like to feel that hurt….

 

Yet today….after I told them I loved them….that I’m here for you because I know you’re having a rough day and you can talk to me….all I got was….I’ll be okay….I will just power through….no I love you back….no….thank you baby….nothing in fact….but dead air….that’s familiar ground for me….that I’m used to….did it hurt….yes….a lot actually….I’m not ashamed to admit that….it cut deeper than words will say….

 

When all you want to do is be there and help….let them know it’s okay and safe and that they’re loved….somehow though….it always becomes one sided….and that stings….especially when you consider all the sweet words and vows that I’ll never be like them or I’d never hurt you….yet….here we are….

 

Rumi said you must keep breaking your heart over and over until it’s open….sorry Rumi but it’s been my experience that each time….my heart wants to harden more….my cynicism starts bordering on obscene….how can you ever put faith in anything anyone says….when eventually….that always changes….they always change….you look back at the words and think….well fuck you said you fucking love me on Wednesday….you got over that by Sunday?….did they actually mean it you wonder….how is it just gone….sorry….fuck your feelings….

 

Perhaps I’m drawn to a certain type….so I shouldn’t be all that surprised….maybe you are too….maybe everyone’s just the same and it doesn’t really matter…. Even after it all….the questions….those what the actual fuck moments….the sting of confusion….the hurt you thought you’d never have to go through again….after all of that….I have to believe it does exist….it must….otherwise what’s the point….is the universe just really cruel….or indifferent….

 

I call it the beginning the pink cloud….it’s always this wonderful thing….two people getting to know each other….they tell stories….they hold hands and kiss….it all seems possible….the dream….forever for a little while….magic….it’s that rush and you’re happy and it’s good and oh my I’m in love!….but what usually happens….it goes away….the drift….ebb and flow….seems more flowing away though….where are the sweet words….the sweet text….that overwhelming love….it’s just….gone?….it’s like touching a hot stove over and over….each time you get burned….ow….ow….ow….why the hell am I still doing this….ow….yet we do it again and again….hoping for a different result….insanity?….maybe….but here’s what I’ve found….

 

For all of us that are crazy….that do dare to not only touch the burner but climb in the goddamn stove….for those of us who don’t have to claim to be wild or tell anyone we are….we just are….for those of us that have been cut down and hurt….not appreciated….for those of us that are true warriors who know what we are….that we are good….we have so much to offer if only someone is brave enough to reach out for it…..for us….it is out there….that magic….that pink cloud that doesn’t go away….and why….because we are brave….we are willing to not only go to the edge….but swan dive off that motherfucker like there’s no tomorrow….because guess what….there may not be….this could be the only day….so for those of us with courage….with spirit and fire and knowledge of self….for us who are willing to look others in the eyes as we stand in the fire….for us….it’s out there….I know it’s easy to become cynical….trust me I do….but there’s that one out there….who doesn’t live in the past….who won’t make you pay for the sins of others….who backs up what they say with action….they are out there….ready to stand in that fire with you….not to burn….but to be reborn together….keep going brave warrior.

 

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

 

Addicted

A collaboration with the beautiful and brilliant Stephanie-Bennett-Henry

 

He was intense.

A drug.

And I couldn’t get enough,

no matter how much of him

I consumed.

He was potent and powerful

and he ruined me.

And I yearned to ruin.

I kept going back for more.

I swear if I were to rip

myself open,

it wouldn’t be blood

that poured out of me.

It would be him.

© Nicole Lyons

 

I know him.

My fix.

I wanted to spend hours

just breathing him in and

holding my breath long enough

for every organ to say his name,

the way I did.

He put butterflies in my bones

and turned my heart into an

inferno. I can still feel the

butterflies swirling through

the flames, calling his name,

but my heartbreak calls him

the one that got away.

© Stephanie Bennett-Henry 2016

 

addicted

You can follow Nicole and Stephanie on their writing pages.

The Candle and The Fire – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

 

I love sex….I’ll say that again….I fucking love sex….I’m a man… I know it supposed to just go with the territory….it’s not just the act of penetration I enjoy though….although that moment when you first enter someone for the first time….is possibly one of the greatest things ever….if I ever win the lottery I’ll let you know how they compare…. So no it’s not just that part of it….I crave all the things that go with it….that look that they get in their eyes….that look that says I’m going to fucking devour you….when you both move in closer to one another….lips lightly touching….before you finally kiss….fingertips lightly grazing over their curves….perhaps you wrap your arms around them….pull them in tight….no distance….or cup their face….as your lips continue to explore….learn….

I love those little sighs or moans that may pass through those lips….or the times you kamikaze into each other….frantically attacking each other as you move towards the nearest wall….then the obstacles between you and their bare skin against you start being removed….sometimes gently….take our time….like that one kid who has to keep the wrapping paper at Christmas intact….lift a corner here….a little tape there….other times it’s that excitedly running in screaming and ripping everything off in one quick motion…..I love it all….the sounds….flesh hitting flesh….the smells….sweat….perfume….natural scents all blending together….the sights….the way the hips turn here and there….or the way the back arches when you kiss that certain spot….the way the eyes close as that buildup finally reaches climax….and that wave washes over you….yes I love it all….it’s never too much….

I’ve had amazing sex before….okay so it was pretty much flat out fucking….the kind where you’re both covered in sweat and panting and just collapse into one another….and think okay if I die now I’m perfectly accepting of that….I’ve tried most things….at least once….twice if I enjoyed it….

I’ve also had bad sex….where I drank to much and it was just sloppy or I couldn’t get into it….where passion just wasn’t on the menu….those are also a learning experience….I actually tried to fake an orgasm once….guys….don’t do this….they will notice….you don’t want the conversation that follows….just trust me….

So for the most part that area is easy….we are built for sex….it’s when you add that bit of magic in the mix that it takes on a whole new meaning….when you can laugh somewhere in the middle of the licking and sucking and grinding….their eyes light up….that grin….and you can both play….laughing like hyenas….all seriousness goes away and it’s just two people laughing and enjoying each other….then the kissing starts again and the passion skyrockets….ebb and flow….something amazing happens in those magic moments….you forget the world….your eyes are locked on one another….everything else drifts away but that moment….the now….you’re completely in the now….taking it all in….everything ceases to exist….just the two of you….you’re safe….lust….love….comfort….excitement….calm….it’s all just swirling together….it’s in those moments….even the heavens look down with envy….and wish they could be where we are.

Is it always going to be like that….probably not….life happens….we get tired….or stressed….sometimes just not in the mood….however….find that someone where you know you can have that….that magic….not just in the bedroom….or kitchen table….or against the car….hidden corner in a library….that Macy’s dressing room….you get the idea….but be able to talk to them….really talk….about everything….EVERYTHING….even if it catches you off guard sometimes….

I’ve come to that place where it should be complete transparency….why would we not….if we look at someone and think okay I want to spend time with this person….or my life….for fucksake share yourself with them….don’t hold back….we’ve been told time and time again how to play games….they make terrible television shows about that very thing….that’s the illusion….not the magic….the magic is real….how can any of us expect to find that….keep it….if we don’t just say it all….no holding back….it’s scary at first….most things worth doing usually are….but what comes next are the things they write stories about….don’t settle for….well it wasn’t horrible….a candle isn’t horrible either if you’re cold….until you stand next to a fire….

© Jason King 2016

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.