That I know Not To Be Mine

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What is this skin that I am in?
I no longer feel it as my own, for
it is not the same as it once was,
never what it twice was. The souls
that became inside of this skin left
long ago, and mine is lonely and
alone in this foreign place that
I know not to be mine.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

I Have Surrendered on This Night

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Tonight I will unpack my worries,
tuck them gingerly beneath my pillow
and lay my head upon them
so that they may feel safe.
When I close my eyes against
the violence of racing thoughts
behind them, perhaps it shall see
the red streaking the white of them
and know I have surrendered on this night.
As I sink down into the darkness,
strength drifts out and away from me,
to take first watch at my feet.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Dropping Hell and Heavenly Shoes

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Don’t tell me that
there is no such thing
as hell when your shoes
are filled with heaven,
you have seen me struggle
with the weight of it.
Come and sit a spell
and let me drop hell
for you to look into
and we will see how quickly
heaven moves you then.

©Nicole Lyons 2017

a Devil and a Deity

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There is a beast
in me who quakes
to be worshipped.
Its deep rumbling
cracks the temple
of me and I wait
to crumble beneath it.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

Did you all remember to spring ahead? Flashback to why I hate daylight savings

The Lithium Chronicles

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In the world of bipolar disorder, being stable for months can be a pretty awesome feat. My meds had been at the lowest dose possible–yay me! I was seeing my psychiatrist regularly, which is both infuriating and insightful, and practicing mindfulness daily. It sounds a lot easier than it really is. As a result, I was happily in the zone. Then boom, it hit. Daylight Savings Time. Why in the hell is this even still a thing? Haven’t there been like a zillion studies done that shows how this is more harmful than helpful? It was created for an agrarian society. We’re not farmers anymore!

Deciding on a proactive approach, rather than batcaving in my bedroom and curling into the fetal position like I wanted to do, I went to my psychiatrist. “Here, try this light box,” she said. It’s about the size of a CD case, but much thicker…

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The Long Road Home

It’s been awhile since I’ve walked
this dusty road,
but I remember it well.
That spot there,
where the sun never quite reaches,
is where I found myself
on my knees
praying to a God
I didn’t believe in.
Bodies upon bottles
upon razor blades gleaming
with self-harm and a cocaine glow
fill the ditches beside me,
and the trenches of my memories.
In this place the hills are alive
with the sound of sudden drops
and last gasps,
and the air is thick
with the stench of shame.
This is a long road,
and east is west
and north is every failure
I have ever eaten.
South lies,
between humility
and every lie I have ever
sworn in blood.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

They take me under, sometimes

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Photo Source: Pinterest

 

I have never
seen battles
quite as terrifyingly beautiful
as the ones I fight
when my mind
splinters
and races,
to swallow me
into my own madness,
again.

© Nicole Lyons 2016

How Bipolar Disorder F*cked Me In All The Wrong Ways

Shoutout to the amazing Feminine Collective for publishing my NSFW piece

I’m a woman who enjoys sex – a lot. I’ve always had the pleasure of savoring what many would consider a very high sex drive, and for the better part of a decade (excluding a brief separation) my husband has delighted in the benefits of my voracious appetite, that is up until about two years ago when I was prescribed a new cocktail of medications to stabilize my moods. Not only have I been considered insatiable, but I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Get the rest here

 

Clusters – This world is a cruel place

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Thank you to Feminine Collective for publishing this piece about how bipolar disorder often feels.

Clusters

A Family Plan for Depression

The first time I posted this was in 2014 but I have no idea where it is, so here we go again, because it’s that time of year and I know what could happen. My fingers are crossed that it won’t, but this ain’t my first rodeo, better safe than sorry.

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Being a Mom is tough, wonderful, but tough. Being a mom who sometimes becomes overwhelmed with depression and anxiety is exceptionally tough. Most moms that I know personally struggle with thoughts of “how bad am I screwing up my kids?” These are common questions that the most loving and caring mothers think, usually on daily basis. The funny thing is that we know we are amazing moms. Throw depression into the mix and pack your bags because we are going on a guilt trip.

Back in October I was thrown into a pretty intense state of depression. It was a combination of a smoking cessation medication, time of year, and an extended family issue.

A few weeks prior to this I has been feeling great when my youngest daughter brought home a permission slip for a field trip. Not only did I sign it but I also volunteered to chaperone. When I had to go back on my promise and tell her that I couldn’t do it, the look in her eyes broke my heart. To a point she understood, I’m open with them about my illness, but it still hurt her.

Knowing I hurt her just compounded the feelings of guilt in me, which added to the feelings of worthlessness and the fact that I was a terrible mother. How much better off would they be with a Mom who could be there for them all the time, instead of a mom who can’t always be counted on because of an invisible illness? Depression just loves to rub it in, “Look at you fail.”

I’ve beat depression before, and something that little fucker can’t touch–my plans that I put into place when I’m at my best, for when I’m at my worst. My girls are a huge part of those plans. Last year I showed them how to get themselves ready after school without my help while I supervised. Together the three of us chose a “safe spot” just off the school property. This spot has a bench by a little marshy pond and it’s quiet. It’s about 3 feet away from the school’s soccer field. I can see the school from the bench. It’s my spot for when I’m down and can’t deal with the masses of screeching kids and parents when it’s time to get the kids from school.

We had to use the safe spot in October and the girls were superstars. When I dropped them off they were aware that they were to get themselves organized after school and I would be waiting for them at our spot. I got there early after spending all day in bed. I heard them before I saw them, running towards the fence. They were laughing! I was filled with such pride at that moment.
The spot was used for three days before the girls’ dad had to take time off work to stay home. It got pretty close to me going inpatient. But, I fought my way out. I know it’s hard on my children when they see me at my worst, I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but they’re happy kids. They’re also kids that know how to execute a plan when need be. We have other plans that we may one day have to put into place. We practice these kinds of plans like other families practice fire drills. We do those too though. You can never be too prepared.