Someone on my Facebook page asked me “girl you good…” after my last post and I refrained from answering for a few because how do I even answer that?
No! I’m not fucking good.
It’s a hard thing when your perfect little world has been rocked too little too late.
The fact that I have loved my life
and cried when I saw injustice
on the news and then swiftly
got back to my own world
with nothing more
than a lingering thought
“oh, that’s so sad” quickly passes
when it’s wine night and I don’t know
what it’s like to walk the streets afraid.
I don’t know what exactly
has fucking rocked me,
Was it nine minutes of witness?
Was it the black bystanders who couldn’t stop it
else they be killed themselves?
What was the last straw?
I don’t know.
But what I do know is this:
I am not good.
I am hurting.
I am angry.
And above all else,
I am so fucking sorry.
GOD DAMN US ALL
God damn was I fucking ignorant.
God damn was I fucking toeing the line.
God damn I was afraid to ruffle the feathers of the writers I admired.
God damn my ignorance.
God damn my shame.
God damn the way I swallowed everything in me in order to please you (whether you knew it or not)
God damn every single time I turned the other cheek.
God damn every single time I shut down the warning bells.
God damn every single time I excused your holier-than-thou bullshit.
God damn every single time I believed I was holier-than-thou
God damn every single time I pandered to followers and “writer friends” who only wanted what was good for them.
God damn every single time I talked shit about people I didn’t agree with.
God damn every single time I fell short in communities that matter because I was trying to stand tall in my own.
And god damn us all for ignoring, accepting, promoting an ‘ideal’ way of life that benefits us by ignoring the cries and the siren calls of the oppressed.
God damn us all for looking the other way because it was comfortable to do so.
God damn all of us for letting this happen over and over and over again and then blaming the establishment, the deep state, the democrats or the republicans, Russia or North Korea.
God damn us all for gathering the kindling, stoking the flames, and setting the entire world on fire.
I just hope to hell when the wind shifts and the ashes fall, the ones left to clean the mess do it a fuck of a lot better than we have.
Because god damn us all.
– Nicole Lyons 2020