I swear to God, I am not proud of it,
this wishing and unwishing,
how I keep wishing and unwishing for more,
as if that could make nothing become something,
or turn something back into nothing,
or take them all away, and leave me with maybe.
This wishing and unwishing is killing me.
If I could go back and take it all back,
or change it all I would, God help me, I would.
There are so many things I would change
and so many things I couldn’t, and wouldn’t,
and would never want to, but if I started
to change one thing, I would never stop.
I would wish to be the keeper of time, to whisper
my secrets to you, and we would sit beyond time
together and I would tell you that you can
change this because I have kept your time.
I have kept your seconds, your wishes,
your memories and your love, here,
in this notebook, and I give it back to you
now with an eraser and a pencil.
And we would look there, on your notebook,
on its dog-eared edges and its faded cover,
and you would wish for brighter colours and
I would tell you to open the book of your life,
read the notebook of your time,
because I am giving it back to you.
I am giving you this one pass, this one time,
as the keeper of your time, the keeper of your sins,
I give them all back to you.
I give you back your dreams, rewrite them.
Write them all, and don’t write them
as if you were afraid of what people would think.
Don’t write them as if you haven’t been
given a second chance upon a first chance,
because you haven’t, but still,
write them without fear, without consequence,
without any measure of hope or of sorrow,
I ask you to write, so write now.
I can not reset time,
I can not make things right
as you see them be,
because your right is wrong
in everyone else’s eyes,
in cosmic eyes that stare down at us all.
Don’t read the rewrite,
and I will keep you secretly,
and give you this page and this pencil to write
all of the things you wanted to write,
all of the things you wanted to keep,
all of the things you wanted to change,
all of the things that are time and are not,
and will not or never be,
and I ask you to write it solidly,
without despair, without guilt, without question.
Write the rewrite that I can never grant you,
and sign your name to the bottom of it, proudly.
For there is nothing wrong with a rewrite,
in this life or in others, there is nothing wrong
with wanting a rewrite, even if we love
our stories and the way they began
with a once upon a time and ended
with a happily ever after,
because you are many stories.
You are a great book of love, and loss, and light,
and the wisdom of your pages, between your pages
could never be rewritten into words greater
than any of your stories I have already read.
© Nicole Lyons 2017