In Kellyanne’s Kitchen

Sheer brilliance. Enjoy!

Open Thought Vortex

By James W. Gaynor

Hello, Human Inhabitants of Planet Earth!

I’m Kellyanne’s microwave, contacting you via your laptop (the device with acamera function you actually know about).

Ms. Conway’s other kitchen applianceshave appointed me their spokesmachinealthough the toaster oven, after consultation with Justice Kagan’s MixMaster,would like to make it clear that neither its broil nor bake function is accurately represented by the views expressed here.

Kellyanne has asserted that we have been working with Barack Obama to spy on the current administration and undermine No. 45’s attempts to destroy the republic. We would like to take this occasion to assure you this is one of her cherished alternate facts. We have, in fact, a far more sophisticated master plan.

As many of us are Japanese brands, we would like to share with you, in haiku, our reaction to Ms. Conway’s…

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