Screaming At The Moon – Jason King

I’m standing outside….smoking a cigarette….it’s dark….it’s cold….I’m pulling my leather jacket around me….trying to keep warm….it’s not going to help….the sky is perfectly clear….so many stars out tonight….it brings back memories….those damned things….I’m a child….possibly five….six….I’m down in Tennessee with my father….it’s dark like tonight….we are standing on the edge of a field….he shows me Orion….how I can always find it….it’s one of only a few memories I have of him….but that’s a story for another time….

It’s the holidays….almost Christmas time….I have a birthday coming up in just a little over a week….reminding me my time is passing by ever quicker….I guess I should be grateful I’ve made it this far….many are denied that….but if I’m being honest I don’t really care about that….Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas….hasn’t for many years….I know on my birthday I’ll be alone….same as the year before….guess it may be too early to start the pity party….it does get old though….but then my own life choices have brought me here….so be it….I’m a walking conundrum.

I’ve tried sitting down and writing little things to help….something digestible….but nothing comes….oh well….they say the holidays are tough for many….I understand that as well as anyone….you see I’m struggling….have been for awhile….I was fired from my job a few weeks ago….I didn’t like it anyway….but still….I’ve gotta eat….or at least drink….couldn’t afford my apartment any longer….bills keep chasing me like hyenas and I’m the wounded prey….Merry Christmas….feels like everything in my life is in limbo….I am not good with limbo….I start to go stir crazy….reminds me of a recent story of my cat.

The cat showed up two years ago….around the time my new ex-wife informed me I was right….there was another man….followed by divorce and the end of life as I knew it….also another story at some point….so here comes this shaggy and thin black cat….comes up one night while I’m outside smoking….rubs on me….hungry….dying for affection….I know kitty….I know….me too….I feed her….love on her….think well she will probably be gone tomorrow….seems to be the case….but no….she was still there….it wasn’t long before she became an ever present presence….she saw me smile when everything was going great in 2015….she saw my tears at the beginning of 2016 when everything had fallen apart….my constant companion….she’d come and go….but she’d always return….I could count on this….I took comfort in this….now here we are on the cusp of 2017….I’ve lost my job….I’m struggling in every way possible….even moved back home to help on money….very chic and glamorous….the cat was brought in….she did well for the first week….but you could see it on her….the anxiousness….she was going stir crazy….so okay….fine….go outside and look around….I haven’t seen her since.

I’m left wondering….was my constant companion….now gone….trying to tell me something….I’ve been obsessed with the idea of just getting in my car and driving….until I’m out of gas….then start walking….write my journey across the planet….maybe she was saying hey it’s time to get out there and just go….or maybe she was letting me know everything goes away in the end….I think I like the first idea better.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this tonight….maybe it helps with the loneliness….to think there’s someone on the other side of this….shaking their head….saying I get it….maybe I’m finally having a breakdown….I probably shouldn’t be excited about that….but at least it’s something….no….nobody has known I’m struggling….I’m very clever with my walls….you don’t even know they’re there….I’m all smiles and good advice and fuck the world!…but on the inside….the inside….I’m barely holding back the tears….or screaming at the moon that something has to give because this isn’t what life is supposed to be like dammit!…but this is where life is….no hiding from it forever….have to face what is and handle it….that’s what warriors do….I’ll be honest….even I get tired of being a warrior….even I get tired…..for all my bravado and strength….sometimes I just want to be held and told it’s okay….to know I’m safe….to hear….you’ve been fighting for so long….come here….I’ve got you….ssshhhh…..rest.

I suppose the old saying is true….no rest for the wicked….and I’ve always been good at being that….maybe it’s my birthday coming up reminding me my time is getting shorter….truth is I’m tired of fighting….I’m ready to be passionately comfortable….some us never get that though….we are here to show others what that means….point them in that direction….while we drift this way and that….that’s our purpose….to be a light….or maybe I still think to highly of myself.

Perhaps I should take a lesson from my cat….just get out there….you’re not done yet….there’s still adventure to be had….you’re just going to have to leave the comfort of what you’ve known….at the end of the day it’s either quit or keep going….and quitting isn’t an option….resting is okay though….we all get tired….tomorrow is a new day…and who knows….maybe it’ll be better….I’ll get my own fire burning again….I may even have an adventure. …tonight though….I’m just going to look at the stars….appreciate them for what they are….try and do the same for myself….I may even finally let the tears come….maybe I’ll finally just take a deep breath….yes it’s cold….but the sun will be up soon….so I have to keep going….you have to keep going….we owe it to ourselves….nobody else….maybe it’ll help to know you’re not alone….maybe it’ll help to know….we are crying under the same moon….together.
 

 

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

12 thoughts on “Screaming At The Moon – Jason King

  1. It does help to know that we are crying under the same moon. I have had those nights in the cold crisp air alone crowds just inside, but my isolation total, complete, locked in my own head. Tonight was 3 am jazz in front of the computer writing raw poetry. Love the line “I’m ready to be passionately comfortable”– not a feeling I remember right now but know intellectually that I must have experienced. To lay our weary heads and hearts somewhere soft, somewhere sweet, to feel comfort. . . You are not alone.

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  2. Jason, reading this my mind went to this favorite passage from the poem, “Ulysses” by Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

    I am a part of all that I have met;
    Yet all experience is an arch wherethro’
    Gleams that untravell’d world whose margin fades
    For ever and forever when I move.
    How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
    To rust unburnish’d, not to shine in use!
    As tho’ to breathe were life! Life piled on life
    Were all too little, and of one to me
    Little remains: but every hour is saved
    From that eternal silence, something more,
    A bringer of new things; and vile it were
    For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
    And this gray spirit yearning in desire
    To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
    Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

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  3. You described my life from the end of 2015 when my ” new ex” found a new New Year’s Eve lover. We know that the thing inside of us stems from more than that external event but it kinda tips the iceberg, right? Starting my hand at writing again and studying the stars and honest prayer have been my main warrior survival tools This year, someone at Home Depot tied my Christmas tree to the top of my car. He said Merry Christmas in a way that it sounded new to me. He meant it! Those words haven’t meant anything to me in a loooong time. So when I felt my heart warm and when I felt the involuntary smile come across my face, I returned his Merry Christmas with a joyful sincerity that I wasn’t sure I would ever know again. Shocked the hell out of me!! Your cat is right. Just keeps moving forward, Jason. One damn foot in front of the other. Even if that means just writing and learning more about the night sky. Even in this middle crappy limbo ( a place I am well familiar and very stir crazy by) you are growing!! Stay soft hearted and strong. Someone does have you. You can rest. Just allow yourself be still.

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  4. I started reading Nicole… she has led me to others, mostly women, but you are consistently “the guy” I relate to. I lost a job… in fact, I told them to shove it….. been trying to be brave without that common denominator….I work for less money now, so I’m re-learning how to make do like I did in my twenties. Creature comforts are just habit after 35 years, and my body bitches everyday, but my heart is healing, my mind is not as numb, and the feathers that got clipped off my spirit are filling back in. I can’t wait to take flight….. and I’m screaming, and crying, and having a cigar with you Jason.

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