Over The Edge – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

 

Do you know you’re dying…. literally at this moment as you sit there and read this….you are closer to death….tick tick tick….this is an idea…. a thought….that I am obsessed with….because my time here is temporary….one day….just a blink….I will be dust….nothing more than a memory….it used to terrify the fuck out of me….now I embrace it….it shapes my life….how I respond to it….I have gone on about it more than once….during your commute tomorrow….you may be involved in an accident….maybe you’re going to have a heart attack in the next ten minutes….because you didn’t know….there’s a history of it in your family….seems a little morbid doesn’t it….or paranoid…what the fuck is this guys problem….he’s kind of bringing me down….I don’t want to leave my bed now….give me comfort food….but I want you to follow me down this rabbit hole….

This isn’t a new concept….there are monks that spend their time meditating on death….making peace with it….why….because it’s important….

Years ago I would read these books by an author….his name is Don Miguel Ruiz….he wrote time and time again about living in the moment….awareness….I took this all to heart…and applied it….I brought my attention to the very moment I was in….and it was amazing….the sun was brighter….the trees were a deeper green….I watched them sway in the wind….completely present in the moment….it made me realize how special each little thing is….no matter when I get to a certain place….I’m experiencing it in the now….it was a revelation….and for a moment I felt at peace….

It didn’t last….

Why you want to ask….because the world is loud….it eventually would drown out everything else….I couldn’t maintain that….so….I dove into the world….found other ways to drown the noise out….but it had to be louder….and was usually destructive….but it served a purpose….when fires start on the Savannah in Africa….it burns away acre upon acre….completely wipes out anything in its path….this was me….burn it all to the fucking ground….but….from this devastation new life springs forth….everything is made new again….in a way this is a metaphor for my life….how I am….I will set fire to it all….I became a destructive force of nature….nothing was safe….but what would happen….I would grow….fresh….until it was time to destroy what was again….like the Phoenix rising from the ashes each time….

If I’m being honest….there are times I wish I could change my nature….how I do things….I’m an impossibly impulsive creature when I know what I want….damn the consequences….I just jump….without regard if I’ll fly….this has caused me a lot of grief….but I don’t know how not to….is it a choice….yes….everything is….it goes back to my obsession with….this could be my last moment….I have this overwhelming desire to know what life has in store….and I’m willing to burn for it…..

Sometimes I think I’m a walking cliché….self-professed writer that drinks too much….smokes too much….and just….does things….always with good intentions….even when I’ve hurt people….I never mean to….but because I need to know things….and because I’m willing to jump and see what happens….sometimes people get caught in my net….because I need to see what’s there….not unlike a child touching a stove….oh I wonder what this feels like….except it’s usually someone else that gets burned….I mean well….but I forget not everyone is like me….doesn’t love the same….feel the same….where I will cannonball in to something that I feel….others may be gun shy….I can’t hold it against them….they are just being true to their nature….

I had an amazing weekend….for me….it was perfect….spent with someone that walks through my walls as if they weren’t there….I’m still not sure how to feel about that….she sees me….through my bullshit and smoke and mirrors….it’s what I crave and at the same time run from….because she could wreck me….but yet I am willing to throw myself on that grenade….she is scared….of her feelings for me….my nature is to run head first in to oblivion….hers is to run and hide….I can’t hold this against her….we are what we are….maybe she doesn’t feel as strongly for me as I do her and so she’s afraid she will hurt me because of that….perhaps she really does feel what I do….and she’s afraid that maybe she will hurt me because of that….overwhelm me….or that I may do that to her….you have to appreciate that one is willing to burn the forest down while the other is seeking solitude in it….at least I do….

No I don’t jump or strike a match easily….others have wanted me to….but that feeling wasn’t there….pieces didn’t fit….which is when I feel bad for my nature….for a minute….because I don’t want to hurt others….anymore than I want to hurt….but when I have that feeling….that rare….what is this thing….holy fuck I’m in trouble….I will go head first over the edge….why….

Because I’m dying….right now….at this very moment….I just moved closer to my end….so did you….I’m taking you with me….I’ve often thought of changing my nature….trying….but I can’t….I am the animal that I am….once I’ve set my sights on you….I know what I want….perhaps I will die to have to get it….perhaps it will be the end of life as you know it….all I know is I’m willing to find out….how can I not….this….could be the last thing I do.

© Jason King 2016

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

Follow Jason’s journey here on The Lithium Chronicles at The Poets

2 thoughts on “Over The Edge – Jason King

  1. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Any who have known loss unpredicted can know this. When we understand, deeply, that we are dead men walking, where is there left for fear to enter? Perhaps, in that event the only thing to fear about death is to get there and find we have not lived. Carlos Castaneda’s shaman, Don Juan taught him to regard death as an adviser, the most honest counselor. Beautiful piece Jason, and good luck with that lady.

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