Flirting With Danger – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

Oh how I want to write something that will uplift the masses….offer encouragement….but I can’t….that’s not where I’m at….where I’m at is flirting with danger….I know this because I’ve been here before….many years ago….I didn’t think I’d be back….but I am….dancing with nostalgia….flirting once again with old demons….my familiar friends….the ones that never leave me….only slumber for a time….my Rip Van Winkles…..seems they’re the only ones that don’t….everyone else always leaves eventually….no this isn’t some woe is me bullshit….it just taste like truth….sometimes I’m the one that makes them run screaming for the hills….the ones I talk to and help would be surprised to know that yes I can push people away….I’m an expert at it….you may not even see it coming….but when that mood finally embraces me….nobody is safe….no….not even you….I will drive you away with pitch forks and fire….maybe I think it’s just being prudent….because they’re going to go anyway….may as well give them a reason….or be the reason….why do I do this….I’ve asked myself many times….I think it’s fear of rejection….you can’t reject me if I’m not there….and if I’m the one pushing….maybe….maybe it won’t hurt as much….

I was shown long ago that people leave….the ones that say they love you the most….are going to hurt you the deepest….so began my pattern….arm’s length was where everyone was kept….don’t come too close….I bite….stay back….I broke my rules last year….and let someone in….and I was happy….my God for the first time in a long time I was genuinely happy….but what happened….they rejected me….or that is how it felt….after I poured my all into it….( that’s a lie)….but I really tried….and it wasn’t enough….but I get it….that story has been told….it really wasn’t as good as my romantic heart wants to paint it….I guess it likes to color it a certain way to give it more meaning….don’t do that….it’s not real….but it gave me an excuse to put walls back up….back to don’t get too close….

I’ve been like that abused dog….I’ll flinch if you try an pet me….probably growl….I have a great growl by the way….it’s sexy I’ve been told….but I will….when deep down I just want to feel your touch….I really do….just hold me….whisper in my ear….tell me I’m a good boy…..a few have tried….but I’ll push them away per my training….then complain about the ones that ghost….

I’m a delicious fucking contradiction….I want what I can’t have and brush over what I can….for all my talks of love I really can be a huge fucking cynic….mainly because I know people….and let’s be honest….a lot of them are selfish assholes….wait….so am I….I don’t believe in karma though….it’s a good thing otherwise we are all screwed…..deep down I still hold on to that idea….that desire….for the one….that’s going to step in and shake the universe….maybe it’s not true….and it’s just a comforting kiss when I’m alone at night….oh I’m alone because I’m still waiting for the one….maybe The One is a bullshit concept….and if I put effort into some of things that have shown up it would be good….in all honesty it probably would….but I still want more….I want that thing they write stories about….again maybe it’s not true….and I’ll become the crazy cat guy….

What if I’ve met her and she’s just too damn stubborn and scared to let me….so she pushes me away….couldn’t really blame her….makes sense the one for me is going to be a pain in the ass like me….dammit….I guess it boils down to that….I’ve seen people settle my whole life….seen nightmares….even done it myself….so I’m willing to risk being alone….because I want magic….I can’t accept anything less….but it’s not easy….it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done….because I want her there beside me….I don’t care about what the scholars and people smarter than me say….I don’t want to be alone….I want my love and to be loved….she’s just taking a really long damn time to get here….seriously woman….can you walk a little faster….because sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to hold out and wait….

I got really low the other night….really fucking drunk….and really low….only one person knows just how much so….I think I was losing my mind….it’s always like to wander off anyway….so what snapped me out of it….hope….our favorite four letter word….that what if tomorrow she stepped into the light….and I wasn’t there to greet her….yes yes I know we don’t need someone to complete us….I don’t ever want to be fucking complete anyway….I’ll always be growing and learning….but goddammit I want someone there while I do….someone I can watch grow the same way….I’m not even sorry about that anymore….so….what must I do….I hold on….and I embrace those days when I don’t want to be light and love….

I embrace my cynicism like I will my lover….because it’s a part of me too….when I finally find her I’ll be that much better for her….so the question….how do I deal between here and there….it’s not easy….and I’m not always going to want to do it….but I’m going to have to feel everything….even the things I don’t want to…..the hurt….the anger….it’s the only way….life isn’t rainbows and daisies all the time….it’s dark and dirty and raw and it hurts like hell sometimes….without it though we aren’t as well rounded….because she’s going to have those kinds of days….how could I ever expect to be there during that….her rock….if I too hadn’t survived….to be able to say….I know where you’re at….and I’m not afraid to join you….because at the end of the day that’s what love is to me….it’s being there….good and bad….real and dirty….life.

© Jason King 2016

 

Jason King

 

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.

Follow Jason’s journey here on The Lithium Chronicles at The Poets

5 comments

  1. Love it. It’s like every word I’ve ever thought. It’s who I am. I can’t even tell you how much ii relate to this. It’s strange how it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one like this…yet, I hurts my heart to know there is someone out there that feels just like me. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to be this way…or feel this way…yet…at the same time….maybe because not enough people feel this way…I don’t know…all I know is I get it.

    Like

  2. I think I have stumbled upon the most genuine man I’ve encountered in years. And I know how you feel. I’ll keep reading…as long as you keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reading these words was like reading my journal….only you phrased things so much better than I ever could. I am very glad I discovered your writings…

    Liked by 1 person

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