By my own admission…I am lonely…
I have been single for over three years now…I don’t mind being alone. I’m comfortable in my own skin and I quite enjoy my own company…but I cannot tell a lie…it gets lonely.
I’m as independent as they come…I don’t need anyone. I’m good with it but I think this may be what gets in the way of my “approachabilitiness”…why yes…I did just make that word up.
For as long as I can remember I have never been approached by men…as a general rule. I have yet to figure out why. I’ve been told many times that I am intimidating…what the hell? I can’t fathom how that’s even possible. I’m always smiling and laughing…no matter what.
I’ve had many discussions about this topic and have been told…men are intimidated by you because you appear to have your shit together and you’re confident…men fear rejection and they’re afraid they’ll be rejected by you.
Still don’t get it…dumbfounded. One of my previous managers gave me the most amazing compliment I have ever received and I will always remember. She said, “Shawna, you are smiling all the time…you have an infectious personality. It radiates to the people around you.” Wow…just WOW.
That has got to be the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. It made me cry…that’s the person I always thought I was…or at least strive to be. To have someone recognize this was overwhelming and such a proud moment for me.
So forgive me if I suck at math but this does not compute and I can’t see how any of it sums up to “intimidating.” I may be comfortable in my own skin and super independent but it still gets so lonely sometimes. I would love the kind of human interaction and feeling you can only get from being around someone you care about.
I want to do the “stupid shit” together…make dinner together while I’m wearing nothing but your t-shirt.
Let’s talk about the t-shirt thing for a minute…if I can’t wear your t-shirt it’s a deal breaker. In my book…I can’t think of many other things that would be sexier than your girl wearing your shirt…only your shirt. I don’t understand why but my ex used to get so pissed when I wore his shirts…so now it’s a rule…I get to wear the shirt.
It’s a kind of comforting thing…it smells like you (it goes without saying…good smells are a must) and I feel sexy in it…sexy as fuck…as a matter of fact. If you go out of town…I’m the girl that will put on the last shirt you wore so I can smell you when I sleep. I’ll be wearing one of your shirts…waiting at the door when you get back. Excited to wrap my arms…and a few other things…around you. Again…the shirt is a requirement!
Back to the “stupid shit”…which…for the record…I don’t think is stupid at all. I would just love someone to hang out with…have meaningless conversations with…talking…laughing…touching. I want to dance in the kitchen with you at 2am wearing that damn shirt. I want you to tell me what your favorite flavor of ice cream is…tell me your favorite childhood memory…what’s your biggest fear. I want to know you…the real you…not the textbook version of stats, facts, and figures. I want to KNOW you.
I want someone to match my effort…give as much as you get…and in some cases give more…on both sides. Someone who wants to know me…wants to be with me…to be there for all the “stupid shit.” I don’t need half-assed…all in or all out. There is no in between with me.
So…having said all of that in a very long and rambling rant…why am I single? Who fucking knows…this mystery may go unsolved…but…if you’re brave enough…say hi…I don’t bite…at least not all the time…
Shawna Heaton, aka Priss, is just a girl with some words. Words that spent entirely too long locked up inside. She’s a mom…grandma…aspiring writer…gym junkie…and all around smart ass. She’s on a journey…she doesn’t know where to but she intends to enjoy the ride.
Follow her extraordinary journey at S.L. Heaton