The other day I published a beautiful piece by S.L. Heaton. The post is called Me And My Dirty Word and I would encourage you, to read it now, because this next piece was written by someone who was so touched by S.L.’s piece, that she wrote a response on it here.
I hope you enjoy.
Penned Lies Into Hope
I was browsing through my Facebook news feed one afternoon and there was a piece written by a beautiful soul that grabs my attention. It was her dirty little word: hope. I thought how could such a word be dirty? As I read each heart wrenching line this realization began to creep into my mind. I get this. I know exactly how she feels. I realized what I tried to paint as so beautiful was actually a dirty little fucking word.
I have been through hell and stood by people that I loved with every shred of my soul. Only for them to turn around and crucify me with the love I gave. I held on to this idea that did more damage to me than the actual trauma, I held on to hope. It became almost disease like that I held tight to this dirty filthy idea that one day it would actually work in my favor.
I suffered through abuse and heartbreak, holding to the maybe or it could. I was shown that I wasn’t worth the effort or time to be loved, yet I swallowed the, ‘it will get better.’
The day I ran the blade across my skin was the day I realized how filthy that little word really was. I learned love was brutal and that hope did fail us. I took all the brutality and damage and twisted it to believe there was still some hope. I finally broke and that is when I found it.
I pulled myself up and took that shattered little lie we love so much, hope, and I penned it into my legacy. I no longer hope for what was. I no longer think it will get better. I don’t hold on to the maybe as my security blanket. Today I scream my pain to the world in words. I write my hope in each word another will read and believe. My dirty little word will no longer haunt me. It will be my middle finger to those who set out to destroy me, as I set fire to the cross you hung me from for your enjoyment.
Charlene Trolinder aka Lorna Evol is a small town kid born and raised in Dumas, TX. She fought all her childhood to survive, born with a rare chromosomal disease. She attended West Texas A&M, where she obtained a Bachelor’s in Psychology. It was later in life that she realized she struggled with severe depression and anxiety. Each day is a battle, but she loves the simple things. She is an avid reader and animal lover. She draws her inspiration from her struggles, and she tries to give hope to others through her words.
Follow Lorna’s beautiful words on Evocative Eloquence.