Me and My Dirty Word – S.L. Heaton

I don’t even know why it bothers me…it just does and there’s no rational explanation for it…or at least not one I can come up with that would give any kind of justification to this feeling.

Opened my Facebook and there it was…”in a relationship”…I just sat there and stared at it for the longest time…completely dumbfounded.

Why? I had no rights…no claims to stake…you were never “mine”…and still…it felt like a very hard, stinging slap to the face.

I think somewhere deep down in the very bottom of this ice cold heart there was a feeling…a small glimmer of hope maybe. (I should have known better…my friend Jason King writes about hope being a far dirtier word than fuck…he’s right you know.) A hope that maybe it was going to be you…God how I wanted it to be you.

Well…that’s not going to happen and maybe it never was but at least I had that dirty word in my back pocket to keep my frigid heart hanging on.

Now comes the urge to self-doubt…it’s so strong…the whys begin to needle me and worm their way into my brain. Fuck…this is ridiculousness at its finest.

WHY??? What could have been never was and never will be. I knew it never would be the moment you said the words…I still remember standing in your driveway and hearing them leave your mouth…”I just don’t have time for a relationship right now”…as the lump formed in my throat my mind translated this statement…”YOU are not worth my time.”

Oh my god that hurt…man…the gravity of those 10 words…so heavy and so heartbreaking. I left…with my dirty word in my back pocket…thinking maybe someday.

Well…Mr. “In a relationship” that someday no longer belongs to you…I know you don’t care but it feels good to say it.  It’s like a form of absolution…oh no…not for you…you don’t deserve it…this one is for me. I owe it to myself.

There’s all kinds of quotes out there about “when the time is right”…”there’s someone out there for you”…”someone will love you the way you deserve”…I guess these are intended to make you feel better…I’m not sure about that because I’ve been saying that shit to myself for over three years.

So for now I’m done worrying about it…me and my dirty word will just be over here being all magical and sparkly…doing our own thing…not waiting on anybody.

© S.L. Heaton 2016

 

shawna1

Shawna Heaton, aka Priss, is just a girl with some words. Words that spent entirely too long locked up inside. She’s a mom…grandma…aspiring writer…gym junkie…and all around smart ass. She’s on a journey…she doesn’t know where to but she intends to enjoy the ride.

You can follow her journey on Facebook and Instagram

7 comments

  1. Platitudes of that kind are sickening, and even though they come from a place of well-meaning, they hurt. Dashed hopes are awful. Unfulfilled hopes are worse. I’m inclined to agree with Mr King.

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