Stand In The Fire – Jason King

 

Jason's Truth2

 

So as it turns out I’m single again….yes you read that right….I may have broken a new record for myself….only took me less than 48 hours to fuck up what I thought was going to be something great and otherworldly….something that people would tell stories about….apparently I was very mistaken….looks like I’ll be the only one telling the story….

 

so what went wrong….what did I do….I’ll be honest….I haven’t the slightest idea….maybe I was too much of me….maybe not enough….I’m sure I’ll find out when I read about it later on that blog….so now the inevitable….what we all do….we start playing it all back….questioning every little thing….well should I have done this….maybe I should’ve done that….did I say the wrong thing….was it the way I kissed….did they just decide after months that they weren’t attracted to me….fuck maybe I should go on a diet….change my hair….then I’ll be sexier to them….I mean we spoke for hours and hours and they told me how much in love with me they are….that has to be it!….we start dissecting it all….trying to find what it was we did….what changed….why….

 

I have saved things from two people….when I’m feeling like its a good idea to beat myself up a bit or I’ve drank a little too much….I’ll look at them….at things that were said….so many wonderful words….I’ve been told you are my king and I’m your queen….I know what a gift your heart is and I promise to always cherish it and guard it….more recently….I know how much she hurt you….I made a vow when you told me that I’d never do that to you….never take you for granted….I know what it’s like to feel that hurt….

 

Yet today….after I told them I loved them….that I’m here for you because I know you’re having a rough day and you can talk to me….all I got was….I’ll be okay….I will just power through….no I love you back….no….thank you baby….nothing in fact….but dead air….that’s familiar ground for me….that I’m used to….did it hurt….yes….a lot actually….I’m not ashamed to admit that….it cut deeper than words will say….

 

When all you want to do is be there and help….let them know it’s okay and safe and that they’re loved….somehow though….it always becomes one sided….and that stings….especially when you consider all the sweet words and vows that I’ll never be like them or I’d never hurt you….yet….here we are….

 

Rumi said you must keep breaking your heart over and over until it’s open….sorry Rumi but it’s been my experience that each time….my heart wants to harden more….my cynicism starts bordering on obscene….how can you ever put faith in anything anyone says….when eventually….that always changes….they always change….you look back at the words and think….well fuck you said you fucking love me on Wednesday….you got over that by Sunday?….did they actually mean it you wonder….how is it just gone….sorry….fuck your feelings….

 

Perhaps I’m drawn to a certain type….so I shouldn’t be all that surprised….maybe you are too….maybe everyone’s just the same and it doesn’t really matter…. Even after it all….the questions….those what the actual fuck moments….the sting of confusion….the hurt you thought you’d never have to go through again….after all of that….I have to believe it does exist….it must….otherwise what’s the point….is the universe just really cruel….or indifferent….

 

I call it the beginning the pink cloud….it’s always this wonderful thing….two people getting to know each other….they tell stories….they hold hands and kiss….it all seems possible….the dream….forever for a little while….magic….it’s that rush and you’re happy and it’s good and oh my I’m in love!….but what usually happens….it goes away….the drift….ebb and flow….seems more flowing away though….where are the sweet words….the sweet text….that overwhelming love….it’s just….gone?….it’s like touching a hot stove over and over….each time you get burned….ow….ow….ow….why the hell am I still doing this….ow….yet we do it again and again….hoping for a different result….insanity?….maybe….but here’s what I’ve found….

 

For all of us that are crazy….that do dare to not only touch the burner but climb in the goddamn stove….for those of us who don’t have to claim to be wild or tell anyone we are….we just are….for those of us that have been cut down and hurt….not appreciated….for those of us that are true warriors who know what we are….that we are good….we have so much to offer if only someone is brave enough to reach out for it…..for us….it is out there….that magic….that pink cloud that doesn’t go away….and why….because we are brave….we are willing to not only go to the edge….but swan dive off that motherfucker like there’s no tomorrow….because guess what….there may not be….this could be the only day….so for those of us with courage….with spirit and fire and knowledge of self….for us who are willing to look others in the eyes as we stand in the fire….for us….it’s out there….I know it’s easy to become cynical….trust me I do….but there’s that one out there….who doesn’t live in the past….who won’t make you pay for the sins of others….who backs up what they say with action….they are out there….ready to stand in that fire with you….not to burn….but to be reborn together….keep going brave warrior.

 

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.