Sober Ramblings – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

 

I have written many things about one person more than any other….she always seemed to find her way into them….at one point and time she was the center of my world….someone I loved beyond all rational reasoning….but….it ended….and it nearly destroyed me….I’ve been through two marriages and dated several more….none hurt as much as this one did….maybe because I’d never loved someone up to that point as I did her….I ran into her brother at a party many weeks back….so of course I had to ask….how is she….she’s good he said….has a new boyfriend…I haven’t met him yet….that stung a bit….I knew it was inevitable….but still….feels like you’ve been replaced….and rather quickly….dammit weren’t they supposed to pine away a grieve for at least a year….she’s beautiful and intelligent….and says fuck a lot….so I knew honestly it wouldn’t take long before it happened….so yesterday I had time to kill….and I became curious….who is it that she’s with….it’s human nature to see who is now in the spot you once held….in this day and age it takes about two seconds to find what you’re looking for….and I did….there was a picture of the two of them together….then something I didn’t expect….something strange happened…..nothing….nothing happened….I saw the picture and the only thought I had was….they make a really cute couple….they look good together….then I took my son to his baseball game….I went home to my apartment….made some mac n cheese….watched game of thrones….sent some messages….and went to bed….that was it….there was no icy cold tingles down my spine….no overwhelming sadness….not even any anger….my life went on….

 

 

This realization was huge for me….because for a time I got low….really fucking low….I would sit on my couch and drink until I couldn’t see straight….I would ugly cry….sometimes for no reason….other than it was all too much….I would go completely numb….I pulled away from everyone close to me….hid away in my apartment….drank until I fell asleep….wash….rinse….repeat….I finally hit a wall and went so far down it even scared me….not all because of her….life in general was exhausting me….work and bills and people….the end of life as I had known it….it all came crashing down on me….one hit after another….I was writing goodbye letters in my head to my kids and friends….thought this is how I’ll do it….so it’s not too messy….chased it all down with another drink….cried some more….then went to bed….my soul was tired….I knew I couldn’t keep going the way I was or it would eventually take me under….so I started doing what I could….I would spend short amounts of time with people close to me….I put the bottle down….I read things to build me up and did positive self talk….I thought I’ll be damned if I let this take me….I’ve survived worse and I will fucking make it through this….so each day….one foot in front the other….if that’s what it took….I gave what I could for that day….and I was gentle with myself on how much that was….I focused on getting it all out….bleed the words not the veins….whatever it takes….and slowly I thought about her less….I was able to tackle things one at a time….it was getting better….

 

 

Over the weekend I spent time with someone….it was brief….but it was good….it had a natural and comfortable flow….almost as if we’d done it before….we talked….we held hands….we kissed….and it was good….it was a reminder of those times that when I was low and didn’t see a light….that holding on just a little longer….you may again experience those magic little moments that just fit….those that defy logic….and it’s just comfortable and good….and you want more of it….

 

 

So yesterday when I saw that….and no reaction came….I knew….I was healed….I had let go and moved on….I’m grateful for the time….it cracked something open in me that needed to be…. it taught me many lessons….and taught me how to love more….also how much love I’m capable of giving….it served a purpose….for that reason alone I’ll always cherish that time….now it’s time for something new….moving forward….new adventures….more magic little moments with unexpected people….I will seek out and find and make that life that I want….that I deserve….so I know when the darkness comes you think it’s going to swallow you….hold tight….just a little longer….white knuckles if needs be….you hold it for all its worth….because you will get your mojo back….that exciting charmed oh I’ve got so much good coming my way voodoo magic is out there waiting….I hope she has finally found it and is at peace now….they really are a good looking couple.

© Jason King 2016

 

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.