Broken, I love someone broken – Lizzi Lewis

Broken

Broken, I love someone broken

 

“We’re playing hot potato,” you had said
As we took turns to succumb to the monsters;
Those chemical teeter-totters in the playgrounds
Of our heads, and whilst I was below
Beset, prepared to die to spare you
(How nobly I would go, for you, for everyone
For those foolish enough to care if I lived
Or lost, or lived lost – how could I continue
To burden them, what dreadful cost.
What an awful way to repay their love!)
But you asked me, nicely, to please don’t leave
You told me you needed me, and I believed
Because deep down and intellectually
I know it’s true – ridding the world of me
Will not save you, or anyone, but forever brand with pain
Cause permanent heartbreak each time
You thought of me, or heard my name
And whatever burden I could ever conceive myself to be
Could not contend with the weight
Of being the one who didn’t

Save me

From myself
I’m on the rise
Head above water, feet touching sand
I’m surprised, yet so much is due
To those who rescued me
Not least to you, yet here I am
Apathetic, hopeless, incapable
I see you floundering and can
Barely chuck a word to help you float
You whose heart was like a rescue
A fucking ginormous boat, and now you need me
Now I’m less broken, and you’ve begun to sink
THIS is the burden you chose
You lovely fool, I’m useless!
I wonder if I’m worse for you
When I’m sick, or healthier
Either way, congratulations, you lose!
Your prize – a second broken mind
This one housed inside some other
Kind of personal crazy, just SO inept
Yet you, my dear, each day amaze me
With your persistence and the way you recognize
Even when they’re screaming at you – lies,
The lies our brains replay, to torture us
To make us want to quit, turn tables, end our day
In the peace of forever-sleep, yet somehow we’re unable
Knowing as we do that ending One

May be the end of Two

But
Still
Those
Voices
TEMPT

Then we swap
And off we go again
This dance macabre of neurons
Waltzing us to unbearable
Mental pain, forcing us to face
What, for each of us, seems true:
We drown ourselves to save the other
But in saving, maybe drown them too.

[Thank goodness it’s all lies
And love propels us into light
To hold hands, lock hearts,
To save ourselves…
TOGETHER
We. Will. Fight.]

© Lizzi Lewis 2016

LIZZZI

Lizzi is a Deep Thinker, Truth-Teller and seeker of Good Things, committed to living life in Silver Linings. She’s also silly, irreverent and tries to write as beautifully as possible. She sends glitterbombs and gathers people around her – building community wherever possible. She’s absolutely certain that #LoveWins.
A founder member 1000Speak, she hosts the Ten Things of Thankful blog hop each weekend and tries to #BeReal as often as possible.

Find Lizzi on Facebook * Twitter * Google+ * Pintrest

 

37 thoughts on “Broken, I love someone broken – Lizzi Lewis

  1. I had to wipe away the tears when I first read this, Lizzi. I felt this in my bones.

    “To those who rescued me
    Not least to you, yet here I am
    Apathetic, hopeless, incapable
    I see you floundering and can
    Barely chuck a word to help you float
    You whose heart was like a rescue
    A fucking ginormous boat, and now you need me
    Now I’m less broken, and you’ve begun to sink
    THIS is the burden you chose
    You lovely fool, I’m useless!”

    Oh God, I have read and reread this so many times. You’re in my head and my heart. But this,

    [Thank goodness it’s all lies
    And love propels us into light
    To hold hands, lock hearts,
    To save ourselves…
    TOGETHER
    We. Will. Fight.]

    Thank you ❤

    Love and Light to you always.

    It is an honour to have you here on TLC. Thank you.

    Nicole
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicole, I am so thankful you asked me, and so grateful to you for letting me share my words here. This poem sprang to me this week when someone I love very dearly was feeling low, and I was utterly, absolutely unable to be of any help to her, and I felt like the shittiest friend ever, because she’s helped me SO much when I’ve been low. I know it’s all part and parcel of the same set of lies Depression tells us, but it was heartbreaking that I was so useless, and I felt almost angry at her for having saved me, only so I could fail her *sigh*

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I think my problem is not the cocoon, but that I’m so useless at being a steady and reliable part of the structure. I so often feel flimsy and useless and ineffective, and that rankles. I’m HUGELY grateful for community and other friends and other sources of support, who can reach in where I am unable, and who can provide support where I can’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Its hard to add to what Nicole said about this. I can’t count the times I’ve seen and heard some of the most broken people rise to the need of another with real care and wisdom, and the partnerships of those who put their not-broken pieces together to make both more whole. I think those who imagine themselves unbroken have much to learn of what love really can mean. Thank you, Lizzi, for saying this so beautifully. reblogging

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think that’s what’s happened, in a way – our not-broken pieces are helping to make each other whole, but along the way there are still breaks and shards which cause problems, and last week, I dunno – I tripped on a shard and became useless, I guess, and then angry about it.

      I don’t think I can imagine myself unbroken, but I can begin to dream about it, I think 🙂 Thank you so much for your lovely thoughts, and for reblogging the poem 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Lizzi, my friend, we are ALL broken in some way or another. The trick is to see whose pieces fit with yours. I know that’s much easier said than done. Hell, I’m not even trying anymore. BUT, you, brokenness and all, are worth loving. Don’t ever doubt that.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I think I’m lucky, and that I have broken pieces which fit with a lot of other broken people’s pieces (and even some not-so-broken people’s pieces, astonishingly!). Gradually, I’m learning to see where my pieces are welcomed and cherished, and that’s a wonderful revelation.

      Thank you for your affirmation, but you KNOW I’m gonna say “right back atcha”, and THEN where does that leave us? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Just beautiful words.
    And…
    ‘To make us want to quit, turn tables, end our day
    In the peace of forever-sleep, yet somehow we’re unable
    Knowing as we do that ending One

    May be the end of Two’

    …that part makes me feel scared, happy, and sad at the same time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much…I’m glad you liked the beauty in it.

      The lines you highlighted…*sigh* I think that’s part of the promise and the threat of loving someone so deeply, especially when you take something like Depression into account – that you really would struggle SO much, to live in a world where they are not. It’s a finely-misted set of lines, between interdependence and enmeshment.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so good, Lizzi. I love how elegantly you’re able to let your heart bleed on paper. I say this a lot, but I’m better for knowing you, and I’m glad you’re here. You matter. To me and to so many others, and words like this make people realize they are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sweet Squishy…some people move me to words, and you somehow always move me to music, and…here. I know it’s not mine, but it speaks to me of you, and of us (in a way, which you’ll probably get, but I couldn’t explain) and…you matter too. To me. HUGE. And to others ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Rosemond. It’s lovely to know that what I wrote isn’t something just *I* can understand (which I sometimes worry about)…poetry is so forgiving that way, I think 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Most people I know have cracks and dinks taken from them, if they’re not entirely in pieces and trying to rebuild, but I have to believe that *somewhere* out there, there ARE people who aren’t…and maybe they’ve managed to get kintsugi’d, but I’m sure they must be SOMEWHERE 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lizzi…
    Were to start? I have written so much poetry because you inspire me with your own life and words. I see these words and am reminded of how very important we are to each other. I love you…

    Liked by 1 person

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