Drunken Ramblings – Jason King

Jason's Truth2

 

Someone I value in my life….my flashdance….said to me today I know I don’t know your backstory….I know you’ve been through shit….but I’ll  know when it’s time….this of course started me down memory lane….it’s funny how quickly we can go back to all those little moments….I don’t remember many things from when I was younger….sometimes this bothers me….until I look at what I do recall and maybe it’s a way of protecting myself….I know many people that have survived far worse….isn’t that how we all try an justify it though…..

 

I still remember the first day it all changed….at a church of all places….( yes my heathen ass was brought up in a church)….I met the man my mother was going to marry….I believe I was six….I still had my imagination and innocence….it didn’t take me long to realize this wasn’t going to be fun….I found myself in a new place with people I didn’t know….in the beginning I would sneak in their room….sleep in the floor beside the bed….I wanted to feel safe….but didn’t feel comfortable getting in the bed….strange thing to feel at six….this of course didn’t last long….before I was told to stay in my room….

 

The memories start coming in flashes now….I always loved animals….I remember I was able to get a puppy….she was my comfort….my friend….part of my escape….I recall one time….she chewed up my Nintendo cords….yes showing my age….so how did stepfather discipline said little puppy….the same way he did most things that either angered him or disobeyed….he put her head between his legs and proceeded to swing his hand back and forth on her tiny head….I still see her struggling and hear her whimpers….I went into the kitchen….where he put her….check on her….she had tears down her fur….and didn’t move….that was the first time I really realized how much our fur friends feel….and that I could also feel so much hatred towards another person….

 

Here comes the flood of memories….I’m in my room some years later….I can hear them fighting….keep the door shut….it’s safer….but things are hitting the wall….I need to know she’s okay….so out I go….of course that draws the attention to me….get back in your fucking room!….he says as he comes towards me….funny how big people seem at that age….still more thoughts come….another fight….she and I were supposed to leave together….I didn’t like being left alone without her there….but I can’t find her….where did she go….the cars still in the driveway….I can’t be here alone….finally I go outside….find her slumped over in the car crying….my makeups a mess I can’t go like this….put your arm on my shoulder I’ll help you back in….I stay in the bathroom with her while she fixes herself….he comes to the door….are you okay he ask….if looks could kill….the one I gave him at that moment probably would’ve saved us both a lot of grief….my own anger didn’t care in that moment if he retaliated for it….

 

On and on they keep coming back to me….all these situations….I wish I could tell you she came out of it all okay….but it wouldn’t be true….

 

So why do I tell you these things….not for pity….it’s not a poor me….do I have countless other things I could tell you….of course….no it still goes back to the conversation I was having with flash….about someone close to her and how the person they were with spoke of childhood things and that’s why they acted as they did….she of course raged.

 

We all….each an every one of us have things in our past….none will escape that….the only place it exist now though….is in our head….we aren’t there anymore….I’m no longer that helpless little boy….these moments shape us….that doesn’t mean they get to define us….I refuse to give that kind of power to those people or moments any longer….I won’t hide behind what was an excuse to do anything I want now….nor will I let it keep me from being happy in the short time I have here….if I let them steal that also….they win….actually fuck that….it’s not even about them winning or losing….it’s now about me….it’s about you….what do you want….this is your time now….to be truly happy….seize every moment….make it count….you’re stronger now….you’re not there any longer….they can’t hurt you.

 

I want you to stop hurting you now….you’re a force of nature and stronger than even you may know….take back that power….and live….truly fucking live….not to show them….or to throw it in their face….do it in spite of all those things that could’ve destroyed you….do it because you deserve to be happy….do it so you can have adventures and stories to tell….ones that now make you smile.

Jason King

Jason King is a storyteller, seeker of passion, hopeless romantic, cynic, and possibly completely mad. You can find more of his exquisite writing at Jason King.