“I spent five days looking up ways to kill myself.”

A brave and beautiful post.

Open Thought Vortex

Content warning. * By Shareen Mansfield*

I spent five days looking up ways to kill myself.

I had the drugs on hand, prescribed to me for the pain related to my chronic, life threatening illness which was ironically not the reason I wanted to die. I was careful, I researched my death at length. I performed nursing calculations. I looked on websites for autopsy reports of prescribed medication overdoses. I scoured the internet, library and bookstores looking for a way to sleep and never wake up.

I did a test. I took the maximum amount I could swallow about a half hour after taking a medication that prevents vomiting. It stayed down. I made myself vomit by chugging vodka — the only alcoholic beverage that makes my gag reflex work. I threw up for over an hour that day. I never got high or drunk. I didn’t give the…

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4 thoughts on ““I spent five days looking up ways to kill myself.”

  1. Wow! So powerful! So glad she realized it was the black box warning in jarring effect. Imagine her little kids. So glad it had a happy ending and that she described everything in stark detail so others could be helped if they find themselves in a similar situation!


  2. So powerful. I’ve never heard these experiences explained this way. Realistically, yet hopeful at the same time. Thank God the mighty Shareen is an enlightened warrior and willing to share her story.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank YOU for sharing this. It’s been a rough week, I’m just peering out of the hole of depression I was in. My first log into wordpress for over a month and the first words I read are this post.
    “this isn’t about medications, this is about my promise to myself to feel everything and live through it.”

    Liked by 1 person

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