My Brain is on Fire

I asked for this medication change. I needed this medication change, but that doesn’t make the initial effects of this medication change any easier to deal with.

Yesterday was particularly brutal for me. How is it possible for one’s head to simultaneously feel so bloody heavy that it’s weighing your entire body down yet at the same time it’s so light that you’re about to float away? It’s a fucking mystery to me. The shakes that accompanied the sweats and chills reminded me of my old party days. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on a days long cocaine binge but once that paranoia and jitter bug sets in, you’ve pretty much got what I felt like yesterday.

I know once I get over this initial hump I’ll start to feel better. Well that’s what I keep telling myself after I get mad anyway. Yesterday afternoon I was trying to rest and remembered that I had to call in the rest of my meds to be refilled, I was praying I didn’t have to deal with Carol. I didn’t. Once I got off the phone I started thinking about all of the medications I have been on over the last four years. Just off the top of my head I can recall fifteen, and those do not include meds to counteract side effects, I know there have been more than that. I called back and asked her to print them all out for me to take to Dr. H next week.

I think I’d like to hear the words come from him rather then just keep swirling over and over in my head. He’s already said “med sensitive” over and over, that’s completely obvious though. I’ve heard “non-compliant” but never from him, now I’m just waiting on “med-resistant” but like I have said before, I’m not a fucking doctor. I’m just the one swallowing the pills hoping one of these days something decides to work.

11 thoughts on “My Brain is on Fire

  1. i hope so too. And I’m sorry what you’re going through. You are brave and strong, and if that was enough you’d be cured. Fucking bullshit disease as I type through double vision.
    Sending light and understanding. Thank you for sharing this, and be a voice for so many. Xx

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  2. When I worked crisis I got a lot of calls like this, though rarely so articulate. So many people go through various sorts of hell with beginning meds and med changes, its important to get the message out, as you do to just not give up and keep aiming for at least stability if not recovery. I hope you get through the adjustment miseries soon. I’ve never been of a days long cocaine binge or Meth either, but have seen the results enough to be persuaded early on that I didn’t need the experience, so have an idea what you’re going through.

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  3. I pray that you can soon find a quality psychiatrist who can connect with you and address this crazy med situation once and for all. 15 sounds about right from what you have explained when you were given different meds for seasonal swings, meds to counteract med side effects…who can possibly stay on top of this band-aid approach to bipolar rapid cycling and seasonal effects. You deserve an award for taking control SO many times, for never giving up, and for constantly searching for the just right med buffet. It DOES exist. But through a partnership with a doctor who really connects and understands you and is willing to look at the past and make a sensible future plan. The hurry up and wait of constantly trying new meds used to drive me even crazier than I am. You’re amazing and I love you so much for your strength and resolve!

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  4. Yeah I’m still waiting on my mania to die down. My pdoc doesn’t know what she is doing so I’m going to have to find a new one. All she does is pile. She doesn’t give a fuck if I’m having side effects or not. You can get through this Nicole. No worries.

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  5. I’m so tired of med changes, to the point I start self medicating anything that will take my emotional pain away and stop my brain from thinking, then of course there are the days where all I do is stare at four walls all day, I can’t give up because of my boys…this agony at times is like being in a room and no light to guide you out.

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  6. I can relate. I’ve been on so many. It’s dizzying. I’ve had bad reactions to all of them. And then I recently found out that all these years, I was misdiagnosed, so didn’t actually need any of these meds. It’s crazy. Now that I’m off of them and getting the right treatment, I’m feeling so much more clearheaded than I have in years. Fingers crossed you can get this figured out and feeling better. XOXO

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