I have been feeling like shit for quite some time and here is where I’m at:
I think it was around 4 months ago now the last time I waltzed my ass out of my psychiatrist’s office after she prescribed me tegretol and looked me dead in the eye and stated, “I’m going to refer you to a humble colleague.” I believe that she has read a few of my blogs and is less than thrilled with me speaking publicly about my journey, but I could be wrong.
*waves* Hi Dr. T.
Like I said, that was about 4 months ago now, maybe 5, with no word from my psychiatrist or this “humble colleague” that I am apparently being referred to. But, thank goodness for my GP, because when I ran out of my medication he was there to refill them for me. So now I’m left wondering, what exactly happened to abruptly end this client/therapist relationship with my psychiatrist?
My psychiatrist is hell bent on stopping my swings, and I encourage you to read all about that here. But, I refuse to take certain meds because of their side effects that end up making me actually worse off than the symptoms of bipolar disorder. When I bring this up, and my extensive research (I’m not a fucking doctor, but I have stopped putting shit into my body without first doing some research, again read the link and you’ll understand why) I am then labelled as being non compliant. Because I choose to have a dialogue with my doctors and refuse to just pop whatever poison they prescribe, I am labelled as being non compliant. When I bring up issues that stem from side effects from meds, that then require me to take other meds, those issues are brushed off because I am now…you guessed it…non compliant.
I need a med change and I need it yesterday. My options are limited here and it is a fucking awful feeling. My GP can refer me to someone and we can wait, or I can go inpatient and cross my fingers that I get a good psych, but who wants to go in during the holidays? I mean it’s never a good time to have a breakdown, but Christmas, come on. So I’m band-aiding with anti-anxiety meds and calling on every single one of my mindfulness and CBT tricks. This is ridiculous. I could call her but that seems weird. She usually ends our appointments with making a new appointment, not ushering me out the door quoting a blog and telling me she’s “referring me to a humble colleague.” I’m frustrated.