The words of support that my Mom and I have received since we wrote Words From My Mom: Her Journey has been astounding, and we treasure and appreciate every one. One email that I received tore at my heartstrings and with the writer’s permission I would like to post it now. To the Amazing woman who wrote this I’d like to say how proud I am of you. You are courageous and kind, loving and brilliant and I thank you for allowing me to share this personal piece. Love and Light to you, always.
Mom Stuff Triggers Me
I read a post on TLC, written by Nicole’s mother and detailing her struggles with addiction and mental health. Both Nicole and her mother talked about the pain and disappointment inflicted during the most turbulent times of their relationship.
Only this post, to me, had a happy ending. This post had a mother that recognized she was hurting her daughter and her family. This post had a mother that took the steps to stop hurting people, to stand up and apologize and not place the blame for her choices in anyone else’s hands.
Nobody is perfect, I know that. Despite our best intentions, we sometimes hurt the people we love most – I know that. But it takes a special person to stand up and acknowledge that hurt, to not continue causing pain by acting oblivious to it.
I have a hard time talking to my mother. I want to; Lord do I ever want to. I want things to return to the way they once were. I want to call her with good news, with bad news, and with random updates on the kids. I want her to be able to come out for a weekend stay. I want to be able to trust her around my kids. I want my husband to like her again.
But she hurt me, and my siblings, really bad. I know that she wasn’t in a good place mentally when she did it – but she still hurt us, the cuts are still really really deep. And each time I see her and she fails to truly accept what she did, how she hurt us, and how she’s still hurting us – those cuts tear open wider and deeper than before. So I can’t talk to her, I can’t see her, and that hurts.
I wish she would take the steps to improve our relationship, but any time she tries…I feel like she’s just sticking a Band-Aid over it and not actually trying to heal those hurts. She doesn’t talk about things, and if she does she always blames the same people (none of the people she blames are herself either. She somehow didn’t make the list). She always has a billion excuses for what happened and why, and a billion excuses for not making the effort now.
It’s like she’s stuck; she doesn’t know how to fix it, or maybe she just doesn’t care enough to actually try.
So mom stuff…it triggers me, because it reminds me of my own very precautious, broken relationship with my mother. It triggers me because I’m not sure she will ever have the selfless nature required to fix things between us, and that hurts.