Mental Health Warrior: Charlene Trolinder

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I know Charlene as “Lorna Evol”, a poet and artist whose talents can stir every emotion imaginable by her ability to put such raw sentiments into her writing. When she writes she lays her soul on that paper, and it is passionate, evocative, controversial, and true. Her words are always full of truth. As a child Charlene was diagnosed with a very rare genetic disease. In and out of hospitals as a child and pre-teen, often times the treatment would make her as unwell as the disease itself. As she says, “that is my medical, my story is so much more.” She is a fighter, and her strength resonates in everything that she does. She lifts so many up with her words and her friendship, myself included. She tackles stigma, and ignorance, hate and intolerance, and the lack of humanity that so many people display; and she does this with dignity, eloquence and love, at the same time battling her own mind, that often times tells her its not worth it. If that’s not a warrior, then I don’t know what is.

It Doesn’t Fit In A Pretty Little Box

By Charlene Trolinder

When I was first asked if I would write something for mental health awareness, I have to admit I was terrified and felt a bit inadequate. I just sat there looking at my screen wondering what I would say that anyone would want to read. I struggled with this idea that I had to make my illness seem eloquent; when the truth is it is an ugly battleground where my self-worth and understanding of the value of my life serve as casualties.

The more the idea of making my statement to the world about my mental illness took hold, the more I realized it wasn’t the words that would make the difference, but the emotion and honesty they were written with. I always have to laugh at how society tries to put mental illness in a pretty little box. The stigma of mental illness is an even bigger cruelty placed upon those of us who suffer than what could ever be inflicted by our diseases.

I always face these simplistic questions. When did you become depressed? What caused this? Can’t you just use positive thinking to get better? I try my hardest to be as kind as possible but the ignorance cuts deep. You see each day I open my eyes I am fighting myself. I have this mind that some days pleads and begs to just die, but my heart wants nothing more than to live.

There are some days when my mind and thoughts grow so dark that I can actually picture myself giving in to the pleas of my mind and just ending it all. Yet, here I am writing this. You see anyone that suffers with any form of mental illness does not seek pity or remorse. We are survivors and fighters and all we ask is for understanding. We all just want you to stand by us as we travel through our own personal hells hoping to come out the other side to live just one more day.

When I was first asked if I would write something for mental health awareness, I have to admit I was terrified and felt a bit inadequate. I just sat there looking at my screen wondering what I would say that anyone would want to read. I struggled with this ideal that I had to make my illness seem eloquent; when the truth is it is an ugly battleground where my self-worth and understanding of the value of my life serve as casualties.

The more the idea of making my statement to the world about my mental illness took hold, the more I realized it wasn’t the words that would make the difference, but the emotion and honesty they were written with. I always have to laugh at how society tries to put mental illness in a pretty little box. The stigma of mental illness is an even bigger cruelty placed upon those of us who suffer than what could ever be inflicted by our diseases.

I always face these simplistic questions. When did you become depressed? What caused this? Can’t you just use positive thinking to get better? I try my hardest to be as kind as possible but the ignorance cuts deep. You see each day I open my eyes I am fighting myself. I have this mind that some days pleads and begs to just die, but my heart wants nothing more than to live.

There are some days when my mind and thoughts grow so dark that I can actually picture myself giving in to the pleas of my mind and just ending it all. Yet, here I am writing this. You see anyone that suffers with any form of mental illness does not seek pity or remorse. We are survivors and fighters and all we ask is for understanding. We all just want you to stand by us as we travel through our own personal hells hoping to come out the other side to live just one more day.

Charleneblog

Charlene is 31 years old. She graduated from West Texas A&M with a Bachelor’s in Psychology. The irony, yes she struggles daily with severe anxiety and depression. she writes poetry, nothing particular but always her honest and raw feelings and thoughts. she is an admin for two Facebook pages. One that she started because she loves literature, Evocative Eloquence. The other page is her mom’s and it is a page that they use to try to cope with grief, emotional pain, or just the rough patches of everyday life, My Hurting Heart Misses U.

A little something I snuck from “Lorna Evol”

You can’t take it with you, so choose what you are going to leave this world. This world is compromised of givers and takers. I mean understand, yes most all of us will give and take, but those who are compassionate to the human condition know that it is their duty to give without conditions and in love. These are true givers, the ambassadors of humanity. Takers, the leeches, will always take way more than they even need. They feed off the unbridled kindness of the givers. You see too many individuals want to place value on things rather than people. Individuals running around collecting the newest and best, all the while making sacrifices out of others. They build themselves around the things money can buy but carry cold hearts. People will not remember your clothes, or car, or whatever other material object you pride yourself on. When the end comes will you be mourned for the hole you leave in hearts? Will you be applauded for the lives you touched? Will the emotions you invoked be remembered with a smile and tearful eyes? You can’t take it with you, so what mark are you going to leave on humanity? –Charlene Trolinder

10 comments

  1. Thank you so very much! Now I understand why I have “Liked” three pages from above. I have wondered who was behind some of these, if it’s someone I like in another communication or maybe on my personal page.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Charlene, You know I love everything that drips from your fingertips onto paper or the computer screen. You write exactly what so many of us feel and when you write we all know that we are not alone. I praise you for the ability you have of helping so many people with your words while fighting your battles every single day. I know that is not easy but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love ya girlfriend!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Beautifully written, especially this painful statement: “the truth is it is an ugly battleground where my self-worth and understanding of the value of my life serve as casualties.” Just want you to know that you are valued. I, for one, value you. I, for one, value your writing. And, I know that I am not alone in valuing you. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you, Charlene. I really can’t find the words to express how much it means to me that you shared this bit of your story with us. You are an amazing soul. I thank you, and I treasure our friendship. Thank you for all that you do for so many. ❤ Never stop writing, you are incredible.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I swear my darkness reached out to yours reading this post. Our minds are a prison and people don’t understand the warden would love nothing more than to see us hang ourselves. The people smiling and saying “i love you” don’t penetrate and the warden whispers they are better off without you.

    Don’t give in…keep fighting…never let the warden win.

    Liked by 1 person

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