A Manic Mind


A Manic Mind

Imagine if you will, the fair has come to town. Take in all of the sights and sounds, from the toddlers crying to the pre-teens, laughing. They’re running and trying to cut in line at the ride that promises the biggest thrill. You smell the deep fried donuts, french fries and cotton candy. You hear the carnies yell out, “Bet you can’t make this shot, three for a dollar, step right up.” Every sound is amplified, from the creaks of the rusted gears on the ferris wheel, to the poor kid who is puking behind the fortune teller’s trailer. Everything is alive. You look right and then left, which way do you go? It’s a maze of debauchery and adrenaline.

Chaos and pleasure are hidden around every corner. You want it all, but where do you start? You have only purchased enough tickets to ride two times, which will you choose? Do you spend your tickets in the funhouse, reflecting on your own reflections? This one is too small, this one is too big, this one is just right, and it’s creepy as sin. You’ve seen your soul in the mirror at a circus, and it scares the hell out of you. Move on. Something has to take the sting away. One ticket left. You clutch it as if it were your payment to the boatman on the River Styx. Anxiety starts to swell. The noise is becoming too much and something inside of you has built up, you don’t understand what it is, all you know is that it needs to be released. All you can focus on is the feelings that you must get out of you. There is no talking this down, there is only a primal instinct to shred every sense of dignity you thought you had.

The noise and the lights beckon you to stay, join us, and partake in this pleasure. Lose yourself in the rush. Forget all of your worries and everything that ties you down and just fucking live. Take the feelings inside of you as far as you possibly can before you burst and shatter into thousands of unfulfilled dreams and promises. Find your release, and find it fast, they are closing the gates in mere minutes.

You follow the nervous screams and maniacal laughter until you see it, the main attraction. The rollercoaster has been boasted as being the fastest and scariest ride to come to town. You trip trying to make your way to it as fast as you can. All pleasantries are off, you’ll push small children out of your way because you know what that rush will feel like. You’ve turned into a junkie now; you need the escape. The release.

As you make your way to your seat, you push past the people that refuse to ride the front. What’s the point if you can’t stare into the abyss on your rapid cycle back to the ground? You buckle yourself in, front row seats, but not too tight though, the rush of potential death gets you off. The attendant comes by to make sure you’re secure; you fight the urge to spit in his face and tell him to fuck off. You’re pissed off at the time it takes for every other sucker to be belted in, this is your ride, and they have neither clue nor any business being on it. You run this coaster and it moves when you say so.

The climb up the tracks feels like a sad sort of foreplay to you. You hear the gears churn and the squeals of the unimportant people who’ve hitched a ride behind you. When the coaster gets to the peak it stops, and your heart starts to pound. You are so out of sync with everyone here, but in tune with everything that matters. For the briefest of moments you are free. The air is thinner and there is nothing above you but sky and possibilities. If you unhooked your seatbelt right now you know for certain that you could fly.

You raise your face to the Heavens and take a deep breath; the anticipation of the plunge is ecstatic. Raise your arms and feel your ass lift off the seat. Like lighting the coaster dives into it’s decent. The speed is finally a match for all of the thoughts that race through your mind, it overtakes and for a second there is stillness. The quiet ecstasy of something that is more powerful than you, and it is delectable. You’ve met your match, and you urge it on, faster, harder, DO. NOT. STOP.

The coaster whips and weaves over its tired and worn track. People scream and even cry, begging for it to stop, you shut them out while focusing on the way the wind howls through your hair. The impulse to keep riding swells to a radiant compulsion. Before it is half over, you are devising a way to get more tickets. You can’t even be satisfied with the thrill of the ride. All you can think about is how you will be able to make it possible to ride again, and again, and again…

You are finally free. There is something more powerful than you, and the innate instinct to harness all of it overtakes every sense you have. You are no longer here to release anything, you are here to devour and discard until you finally feel full. There is no end to this fair, this ride, and this hunger; there is only that swift decent into oblivion.

30 thoughts on “A Manic Mind

  1. I was talking to my friend Marta today about how well my meds were working. I’m happy about this, yes, but I told her sometimes I mourn the loss of my mojo. We were talking about bipolar rage (I’m so calm these days it’s scary), but I have to admit you just reminded me why I sometimes miss mania. But also why I’m no longer willing to give my ticket up to ride that roller coaster again. Great blog, Nic, I felt every moment as you wrote it….and I remember it so well.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t hardly find the right words to express the sensation and the thrill that mania brings. I’ve been experiencing it for a while now, and I want to stay in there, the energy “I can do anything” the non-stop talks, not worrying about money, I’m walking on the yellow brick road! I think this is one of your most profound and awe inspiring essays Nic, this is very personal, keep working your magic.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I read the post and…I thought I knew what you were describing, then I wasn’t sure. Then I realized what you were writing about and I felt…I don’t know what I felt, but I had a better understanding of what mania is like. I’m bipolar 2, so my manic states are nowhere as strong as what you experience. Thank you for giving me a better understanding, Nicole.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. It is indeed my pleasure. Hopefully you don’t mind if I reblog and share your site across my other SM accounts and friends.
        I’m more of a reader, sharer, reblogger type of old man doing his best to interact and share whatever might help someone else. I’m mute, so this helps me keep active and kicking. Wishing you a wonderful Monday and rest of the week.
        ❤ (๑̀ ͜ʖ๑́) ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I just like to know up front. Also my blog is a Wide conglomeration of my eclectic tastes which aren’t everyone else’s and that’s what I love about people. Please don’t feel obligated to follow me, in fact I would probably fill up your Reader quickly with stuff nonrelevant to your blog and you don’t need all my stuff. I follow a lot of people, so reblogs are forever flowing, I’m semi-retired, retired veteran, twice widowed and I love my life, as weird as it may seem to others, and I fully understand and respect that.
        I’m a mute, so social media gives me easier access to express myself just as I am, which sometimes my 7 children and their spouses describe as incorrigible. I just say I’m a survivor and a very happy one at that. Have a wonderful day and pardon the rambling, I don’t hear myself typing so I never know how long I’ve been “talking.”

        Liked by 1 person

  3. TY, Nicole for all you do and try to do to simply help others get a grip. I am thankful Hasty posted your info, I wish you the most success in your own life and your completely worthy and honorable mission to help others. I just love this one(of very many) of your advice phrases, that if followed, could help relieve soooooooooooooooooo much stress and unnecessary frustrations
    ” Forget all of your worries and everything that ties you down and just fucking LIVE…..”
    Again, thanks for all you do and try to do. You are the Real Deal and beautiful inside and out, your soul shines through your smile and your words.
    ❤ (๑̀ ͜ʖ๑́) ❤
    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Just keep doing what you do best and I’ll try to help you reach more people that need to know the information you and all your friends post. I know there’s a lot of people out there that just need the right words at the right time to help them get through another day or hour or minute. So this is my small contribution to that mission of love and compassion. TY for all you do, Nicole.
        ❤ (๑̀ ͜ʖ๑́) ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sure I’ve read this before, but it bears more than one reading – outstanding description – thanks for putting it up again – just in case i didn’t last time, reblogging


  5. Melt….

    A presumption, I am sure…Though the moon does create the tides of Poseiden’s legacy as children of the water, I am glad (though not entirely) you cannot see the grin on my face. Goodness gracious girl. Truly beautiful. You capture moments so clearly. How fine as silk must be thy net :). And eye contact (let alone the grin)? Lightning. For certainty… and a free fall, far away from any stare the abyss may cast, deeper even…than oblivion. You write Masterfully. Thank you, for the experience


  6. I loved this… as I was reading I could feel the ride..why does everything end? Why? I just want them to last forever. Life has such a twisted sense of humor. You can be so happy and enjoy waking up and getting it done to enjoy the evening. Then it thinks..haha..let’s just keep pulling the rug out from under her til she sees that she’s had enough. Loves to play games with your head. Going to miss you. May see your writing somewhere. Who knows…maybe you’ll see mine…lmao! Keep it Real! 💋

    Liked by 1 person

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