I’m going up again. I blame the very limited sleep I’m getting, and the fact that I always go up this time of year. Always. Right now things are good though. I’m not agitated or angry like I was a couple of weeks ago. I’ve weaned off of the “emergency meds” that I had to go on while in that state just recently. Now it looks like I may have to take them again, but I really don’t want to. I’m not going to lie, they make me feel like awful. I spent months weaning off of benzos, which I swear actually increases my anxiety rather than taking it away, and they are in my “emergency kit” so every single time I end up taking them for any period lasting longer than a week, I wean again, and it sucks. The amount that I’m prescribed when I go up is high so I have to wean. Benzos are a bitch. Withdrawls are awful.
Not to mention, I’m in the really enjoyable stage of hypo right now. I’m productive. I’m in the zone. Colors are bright, sounds are crisp, and things are good. I even went shopping today, and it was good. It was nothing like my last experience with manic shopping. You can read all about that here. I have a very big weekend planned with company and family and chocolate and scavenger hunts, and I can’t be zombified for it all. If I take the meds, I’m in bed for the entire weekend. I know how this could turn out, I’m not an idiot, this aint my first rodeo. But, I’m going to try to ride this one out. Unless the agitation or anger builds, why not? Why can’t I enjoy the happy? Unless I start making bad decisions, why can’t I go with it? I’m surrounded by family and my support system, what better place to be? I promise to have my meds in the hands of Scott at all times. It sounds like I’m asking for permission, doesn’t it? I’m not. I’m doing it. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
I posted on The Lithium Chronicles Facebook page that I keep telling myself, maybe this time it’ll be different. I know deep down that isn’t true, but what a thought. When someone has their aha moment, they are celebrated, when I do, I’m delusional. Go figure. Sometimes Bipolar really is a curse. But for now, I’m going to enjoy the happy.