We are writing in regard to your Razor Blade Suicide Scar Wound Latex Costume that some geniuses approved to mass sell for Halloween this year. It’s good, but it isn’t gold star good, and if you’re going do something right well you may as well do it up good.
So here’s the thing Walmart, we’re here to help you, because not only are we courteous that way, but we also happen to know a thing or two about suicide. You should probably write this down.
Clearly you are trying to make a buck off of one of the most devastating things that could ever befall a family, hell why stop there? You could pump an entire line out of this!
If you are not quite sold on that idea, perhaps you can add a crown of “fine” to what you already have, for all the times she pretended to be “okay” along with a beautiful sash, worn like a beauty queen, that says, “I finally did something right.”
Maybe you can add a cool feature for the blood to shoot out of the veins after the razor tries to find what it looks like on the inside.
Maybe add a straight jacket and a bucket of psychiatric meds for the ones who don’t quite get the job right and they live with the notion that they failed at that too. Add a belt, so they can stick that failure under it. Give them a rope so they can hang that failure up around their neck and go out with a big bang. May as well add some fireworks for the festivities too.
Maybe a speaker that repeats a permanent goodbye on a loop of forever to haunt the ones who will never understand.
About that line though, think of the cash pouring in when you add the:
Grieving Mother Costume: Comes complete with a lifetime of guilt, stigma, and shame. Throw in some latex wrinkles for the torment of unanswered questions about what they could have done differently, and why couldn’t they see the signs.
You could add a cheap vanilla scented candle from your crafts section, and some of those fake flowers that are everywhere in your damn store (two birds, one stone) some heavy drapes to symbolize the locking away of their souls.
Oh and also add a few bottles of cheap whiskey for the slow decent into alcoholism that some Mothers often deal with when the pain becomes too much. That’s a winner right there. I’m thinking you could sell that for at least $29.99.
Maybe think about the Suicide Survivor Costume. You’d add one of those tacky letters you carry, like an “F” for Failure or “D” for Didn’t do it right, or “W” for Walmart is a disgusting corporation who makes money off of the backs of people who battle every fucking day with their own tortured minds, we can brainstorm it out.
They’ll wear it like Hester fucking Prynne, so all can see their shame as if they didn’t live with it every single day. And when they ring the bells to get their sweet treats, the tricks in their minds that tell them they are worthless will blaze on their chests thanks to bloodsuckers like you.
For these extra add-ons, add another $10 a piece. Full costumes can be sold for $39.99 and all profits can go to the warped corporation that is Walmart.
We’re really looking forward to working with you on your new ignorant fuelled Halloween 2016 Costume Line. May you all never be taken under by your own minds, and may you all find the compassion you have not given anyone else.
Warm regards, Motherfuckers,
Nicole Lyons & Stephanie Bennett-Henry
Update: The Mighty has published this piece which has been updated with Walmart’s response to the costume makeup being sold on their online store.